Summary: This is a totally different Jim.  What would have happened if he was abused his entire life? 

 

Acknowledgments: As always, thank you to Mary for the beta.  Lisa named this story.  I like it.  For our Jim for being so lovable and damaged at the same time.   

 

Email: PattRose1@aol.com

 

 

 

Seeking Salvation

Patt

 

 

 

We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us. 

- Germaine de Staël

 

 

Everything hurts...    

 Michelangelo

 

 

When little Jimmy Ellison was growing up, he was very happy.  His mother was kind and loving and was going to give him a little brother.  His father even seemed to be

content.  For some reason, Jimmy never wanted to let go of his mommy's hand.  He knew something bad would happen if he did. He was four years old then.

 

If I'm laden at all

I'm laden with sadness

That everyone's heart

Isn't filled with the gladness

Of love for one another.

Neil Diamond

 

After little Stevie came along, life only got better. It was fine for many, many years. 

 

"Daddy, do you like Stevie?"

 

"Of course I like him.  He's my son." His Daddy answered. 

 

"So you like me too?"

 

"Go wash up for dinner." His Father then walked away.  Jimmy turned to baby Stevie and said, "At least he likes one of us, baby boy."

 

When Jimmy was eight, Stevie was old enough to do almost everything with him.  Jimmy took him everywhere.  A neighbor child smacked Stevie one day and Jimmy bloodied his nose.  Their Father seemed to be pleased with Jimmy for the first time.

 

Two weeks later, they were walking down the street and Stevie asked, "Do you love me, Jimmy?"

 

"I love you more than anything."

 

"Will you always love me?"

 

"Always, baby boy."

 

"Would you stop calling me that?  That's why that kid was picking on me."

 

So on we go

His welfare is my concern

No burden is he to bear

We'll get there

For I know

He would not encumber me

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

Neil Diamond  

 

"You got it, Stevie.  You're my baby boy, but I won't say it to anyone else. Do you love me?"

 

Stevie jumped into his arms and started to kiss his face. "I love you soooooooooo much, Jimmy."

 

"I'm glad, Stevie. We better get home now."

 

One year later, young Jimmy confided in his parents about what he could see and hear. He explained that he could see, hear, taste, smell and touch more than he had ever been able to before. He was only nine years old and thought he was supposed to tell his parents everything. Things were never the same after that.  William Ellison continued to tell him to not say a word to anyone about his senses.  They would take him away and label him a freak.  So Jimmy did just that.  He told no one about them; not even his little brother. 

 

Everyone in the house noticed a difference in Grace Ellison.  Young Jimmy tried to pay more attention to her so she would feel more loved, but it wasn't working. In fact, it only made his father angrier.  One year later, she moved away without even saying goodbye to her children. Jimmy was ten, Steven was six. 

 

William Ellison told Jimmy it was his fault.  She couldn't live with a freak. He broke in half that day and never fully recovered. 

 

William started to keep Steven away from Jimmy making him even sadder.

 

James Joseph Ellison found out that when you're 10, you know nothing.  Instead, you open your mouth at the wrong time and get the shit beat out of you. Funny thing about ten year olds, they think things will always get better.  They don't.  They think that someone will rescue them.  They won't. They continue to mouth off to their dad.  Why is that?  This would haunt the young man for years to come.  

 

The sad youth learned to accept this as his life. He was stubborn and fought his father every step of the way. All of his friends argued with their parents. So he thought it was the normal thing to do. Needless to say, young Jim didn't win.  When he turned 17, his father, tiring of his mouth and his ways, sent him to the Army. Jimmy didn't want to admit to it, but he was heartbroken.  He hated leaving his little brother and why did he hate the idea of leaving his dad also? William made him stand up straighter and said, "Don't tell any of them about yourself.  They'll lock you away, Jimmy.  They don't want to deal with freaks. Understood?"

 

Jim answered, "Yes, sir." He took his first step leading down the pathway to hell. The young man understood too well.  The hardest part was when William took him away, he wasn't allowed to say goodbye to his brother.  Jimmy broke a little more that day. 

 

It was in boot camp that Jimmy, who was now called Jim, discovered he only thought his life had been horrible.

 

There were two sergeants in the unit that took him aside and sexually abused him nightly. They liked young boys and Jim fit the bill.  He fought them every single time, but it didn't help.  Jim finally went to his Captain and told him what was going on. The man, who could have helped, laughed and said, "Keep your mouth shut and it might not happen again."  Jim did keep his mouth shut and the sergeants were sent to another unit. He often wondered why they would send two sexual abusing perverts to another unit but he didn't ask. This would also haunt him to the day he would die.

 

 

From that day on, Jim built himself up physically and what he thought was mentally and emotionally.  When he went on his tour of duty, he fought, long and hard and not without losses. He was stranded in Peru for 18 months, after his chopper went down and he was the only survivor. A tribe of natives took him in and made his life bearable. No one was cruel, but Jim kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never happened. Jim found out what happiness was and he liked it. When the Army came for him, he didn't want to leave, but knew he had no choice.  Returning home he pondered over what his life would now become.

 

While he was in Peru, he thought of his father often.  He wondered if he felt bad about sending him off.  Why would he?  He saw Jim as a problem child and teen, not to mention a freak. He had written to his dad and to Steven many times but he never heard a word from them. Jim missed Steven something fierce. He hoped to contact him once he got home. The very thought of contact made Jim nervous.  What if his father told Steven terrible things? Jim knew that he would find this all out soon enough.

 

When he returned to the base, he found a letter from a Simon Banks asking him if he was interested in joining the police department in Cascade. Banks was looking for some good men that excelled in marksmanship in the Army. Someone had given him Jim's name. Jim thought about it and landed in Major Crime in Cascade, Washington.

 

One of the first things he did was go home.  When William opened the door he said, "What do you want?"

 

"Dad, I was hoping you would let me see Steven.  Where is he?"

 

"He's dead, Jimmy."

 

"What?  What happened?"

 

"He ran away one night and tried to get to you.  Some sick person picked him up and killed him." Cold, cold eyes looked over at Jim. 

 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

 

"I'm telling you now.  I don't ever want to see you again." William slammed the door and Jim walked back to his truck. His heart had another crack in it.  What would James Ellison do when there was no more of his heart left to break? Would then he finally be at peace, in either heaven or hell? 

 

Shattered

Many, many pieces.

Devastated

Life, like broken glass.

Crushed

Looking for affection.

Traumatized

With memories.

--Jim Ellison's Life--

 

 

Life would never be the same. The saddest part of this was he had no one to talk to about it.  God, he was going to miss Steven.

 

The heartbreak was beginning to overtake him and he pulled to the side of the road.  "I'm sorry, Stevie." He didn't cry, that wasn't something Jim did, but he did express grief in his own quiet way. Wishing he had a life somewhat different, he finally began to drive down the road. 

 

Jim hoped his nightmares would go away. They didn't. He hoped he would stop feeling afraid. Not a chance. Maybe he would make friends and have an ordinary life. He wouldn't. Poor Jim Ellison didn't know what an ordinary life was.  So he stayed the loner he was comfortable being and just did his job extremely well. Even he recognized he was an extraordinary cop and was proud of that, if nothing else.

 

It was at the police department that Jim met Miles Carson.  He was also a cop, but was in Homicide.  When they met, it was love at first sight. Jim thought Miles was the most gorgeous man he had ever met. Miles was very good to Jim, treating him like he was his world.  Each week got more wonderful and Jim felt as if he could

breathe easier again.  He should have waited to take that breath.

 

After a month of dating, Jim moved in with Miles and life was indeed wonderful.  Jim was happy for the first time in his adult life.  

 

At the end of the third month, Jim woke up to a fist slamming into his groin.  Jim didn't even try and fight him because Jim figured he must have done something very

wrong.

 

"Jimmy, you ever talk to anyone in Major Crime again, I'll beat you within an inch of your life."

 

"Miles, I have to talk to people at work."

 

Miles punched him in the face and screamed, "Are you going to argue with me, Jimmy?"

 

"No."

 

"Get up and take a shower.  You have blood all over you. Don't you even think about telling anyone I did this. Understood?"

 

"Yes, Miles." Jim got up shakily and limped into the bathroom.  Jim Ellison's new nightmare had officially begun. He guessed he had only been in purgatory and now he'd officially arrived in hell.

 

The lonely man sat at his desk daily worried that someone would talk to him and Miles would happen by and see it take place.  Not for the first time, Jim thought of eating a bullet. The romantic-like thought filled his mind most days and nights. But Jim Ellison, wasn’t the type to commit suicide.  He would go on and make things work no matter what. 

 

The first eight years were very hard, but he kept it all to himself. Simon took him out now and then and they became friends. Jim never let him get too close. When he had first met him, Jim was scared of him, thinking Simon wanted more from him than just friendship, but he moved past that. And Miles didn't seem to mind that Jim would spend short periods of time with his boss. 

 

Things were going well until his senses started acting up.

 

Simon was questioning what Jim was doing, thinking, hearing or seeing. He was stuck at his desk for the better part of the day. Simon sent Jim to see the department shrink, and that shrink had Jim come every day for a month.  They were working on his self-esteem.  It wasn't really working. If nothing else, this doctor was documenting Jim Ellison's behavior. The doctor didn’t really believe anything about Jim’s senses, so he was of no help what so ever. 

 

At that time a new Detective came into Major Crime, but Jim paid him no mind.  He paid no one any mind.  He thought he looked like a nice man; a friendly sort, someone who could become a friend, except Jim did not have time for these thoughts. Having no friends was getting easier and easier for him.  

 

 

When Detective Blair Sandburg started his first month in Major Crime, he sat back and watched everyone. He loved to observe. The one person he watched the most was Detective James Ellison. Not just because he was a very handsome man, but also because something was wrong there.  He could see bruises on his wrists from time to time and Ellison sported black eyes off and on. And one time he told everyone he broke his nose slipping in the shower.  They all seemed to believe him. Some even laughed about Ellison being clumsy. Blair wondered if they were all that stupid or if were they embarrassed for Ellison?  Blair noticed that the tall, quiet, stoic man never talked to anyone other than explanations.

 

Blair never asked him about anything, so Jim never spoke a word to him. That didn't mean that Jim didn't notice Sandburg was there, it just meant he stayed clear of him. Ellison wasn't quite sure of the reason.  

 

There were many occasions where Sandburg would have liked to ask Ellison to lunch, but somehow, he didn't think he would get very far.  So he continued to observe the man. Some days Blair Sandburg was filled with such sorrow, he thought he would break in half. Ellison was the saddest person he had ever seen in his life.  He vowed to watch him for the next few months and see if he could help. There had to be something he could do.   

 

Each month got easier for the new Detective, working with everyone and anyone, except Ellison. Then one day Captain Banks called from his doorway, "Sandburg?  My office, now."

 

Blair almost flew in there with excitement.  "Yes, sir?"

 

"Sandburg, I know that Ellison isn't the friendliest, but he needs a partner.  How would you like that job?"

 

"I would love the job.  I've been here for almost a year and I think I can handle him." Blair smiled as his Captain. "Sorry, sir.  Not him, but the assignment."

 

"I hope so, kid.  He's walking a fine line right now. Keep me posted and be sure to keep up on your paperwork. Try and keep him in line, all right?  Dismissed." Simon opened the door and Blair whispered, "Thank you, Sir.  I won't let you down."

 

Simon felt guilty for putting all of this on Sandburg's shoulders.  He seemed to be the only one that didn't glare at Ellison when around him. They never talked. Simon could tell these things. This old Captain would just have to hope for the best outcome for his officer.

 

Simon yelled to Jim, "Ellison, my office."

 

Jim walked very carefully into Simon's office and Blair knew he was hurt.  Someone had sexually damaged this poor man. Blair Sandburg looked into Simon's office and could hear the two of them fighting. The door flew open and Jim took off swiftly down the stairwell, forgetting his pain. 

 

Simon said, "Go catch up to him.  He said he quit.  See what you can accomplish."

 

"Yes, sir." Blair hurried down those same stairs, hating the fact that he didn't have longer legs. Two or three times, he missed stairs all together and felt like he was flying.  What a rush.  When he reached the bottom, Ellison was standing there in a daze, not showing any sign of movement. It took everything in Sandburg to stop in time and not run into the Ellison Statue.

 

Catching his breath, Blair walked up to him slowly and touched his arm.  "Ellison, are you all right?"

 

Jim still didn't move or respond. He rubbed the large man's arm softly and said, "Ellison, please.  What's wrong?" Pulling out his cell phone, he said, "Shit, I better call the Paramedic's."

 

"No." Jim pulled away from Blair's hand, knocking the phone to the cement. 

 

As Blair picked it up, he said, "Ellison, what the fuck was that?" He noticed that Ellison still had a glazed look over his eyes.

 

"None of your business. Get the hell out of my face." Jim shoved Blair away, almost knocking the shorter man over, and began to walk that macho walk of his, to his oh-so-manly truck.  Blair would have smiled, if Jim weren't glaring at him. 

 

"Oh that's great.  Captain Banks assigns me to you; you quit; now I'll lose my job; I'll lose my apartment; and I'll be branded as a loser.  I can't believe my fucking day. I'll probably end up living in my car." Blair stormed up the stairs wondering what he would tell Captain Banks. 

 

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Leo Buscaglia

 

Sitting down at his desk, he began to write up his resignation.  I liked this job.  Damn him anyhow.  Blair whispered to himself.  Jim leaned over Blair's desk and said softly, "I'm glad you like the job. Tear up the resignation.  I'm staying. Let me go and talk to Simon and we'll go out on a call."

 

How did he hear that?  Blair was both excited and weirded out. 

 

Blair smiled up at Jim and Jim melted.  Ellison, what are you thinking? Miles wouldn't put up with this for a second. Miles would never let you have a partner like

this. And someone like Blair would never settle for anyone like you, for any type of partner.

 

William Ellison had made sure of that.  He had not only beaten Jim black and blue all those years, but he had destroyed his spirit. Jim truly believed that his mind, body and soul weren't worth anything.  Jim couldn't seem to get past the two sergeants abusing him, either. He was a tough man but, for some reason, he felt he deserved all that happened to him. When Miles got violent, Jim just let him.  Miles loved him and that's what was important. Or at least this is what the sad man told himself.

 

Jim knocked on Simon's door and opened it.  "I'm sorry for the outburst, Sir.  And I'll stay if I'm still wanted.  I've apologized to Sandburg and asked him to remain here as my partner."

 

"Good to hear it, Jim.  Here is your badge and gun.  Get to work." Simon shoved him out and shut the door.

 

Blair caught up with him and smiled. "Is he always that pushy?"

 

"Hell, today was a good day." Both men smiled as they got on the elevator. 

 

"How about some lunch before we start?" Blair asked. 

 

"Sounds good to me."

 

They went to a restaurant down the street and sat across from each other.  Blair noticed that Jim ordered very bland things. "Don't like hot or spicy stuff?"

 

"Yeah, I just can't eat it.  It burns my mouth like it's on fire. I used to be able to eat anything."

 

"When did it change?" Blair inquired. 

 

"Two years ago. It's been a fucking nightmare."

 

"I've learned some things about senses, so we might look into that and see if it helps."

 

"I'm game if you are.  I'm sick of this crap.  I keep waiting for Simon to fire me."

 

Blair watched as a look of fear spread across Jim's face and Blair turned around to see a very large man standing there.  He had to be at least 6' 5".

 

"Well, isn't this fucking cozy, Jimmy?"

 

"Miles, I'm on duty.  This is my new partner, Blair Sandburg.  Sandburg, this is my partner in all things, Miles Carson."

 

"It's just peachy to meet you.  You're just his type too.  Did he tell you that he likes short shits? That way he feels like he's in charge." Miles was getting angrier.

 

"Miles, we're on duty.  We just stopped to eat before we have to interview a witness." Jim was explaining and Blair was getting more pissed. He now knew where those bruises came from and it made him want to die of humiliation for Jim. 

 

"So Miles, what do you do for a living?" Blair asked taking the attention off of his partner. 

 

"I'm a detective down in Homicide. I've seen you around.  I was going to ask you out once, but you didn't seem interested in men at the time."

 

"Wait a minute.  What do you mean you were going to ask him out?  Miles, we're exclusive."

 

Blair wanted to kick the shit out of him.  Not Miles, Jim. What a dumb butt.

 

"Oh right.  I was just going to tease him, Jimmy. I don't want him, but it's nice to know you want me." Miles leaned into Jim and they began to make out in the booth.  Blair went and waited in the truck.  Yuck.

 

Jim finally joined Blair in the truck and right before they took off, Miles pounded on Blair's window, scaring the shit out of one-said-Sandburg.

 

"Jimmy, I forgot to tell you something. If I find out you fuck this guy, I'll kick your ass and then his.  Do you understand?"

 

"Miles, we're just working together.  I'm in love with you." Jim declared. 

 

"Good.  Glad to hear it. Keep it that way. Now go back to work."

 

As they drove down the street, Blair broke the silence and said, "Seems like a very nice prick."

 

Jim burst out laughing.  "I thought you were going to say, seems like a very nice guy."

 

"Not hardly, Ellison, what do you see in him?"

 

Jim pulled over for a quick talk. 

 

"I'm in love with him and not many people would ever be in love with me. It doesn't matter.  It's my personal life. Stay out of it."

 

"Do you actually think he would treat you that way, if he loved you? Do you think something is wrong with you?" Blair asked, knowing full well he was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. 

 

"Some day, I'll talk to you.  Not today.  We're still new at this. We're not even friends yet. Thank you for wanting to talk." Jim smiled over at him. He pulled back into traffic and drove down the road. 

 

"I hate to point out the obvious, but we still need to eat."

 

Both men laughed as Jim chose a restaurant in hopes that Miles wasn't following them. He never quite knew what Miles would be doing.

 

The next three months were very busy for both men. Through study, questions and watching the big man, Blair found out that Jim was indeed a Sentinel and Jim found out that Blair was his much needed Guide.

 

At the end of the three months, Jim made the mistake of mentioning it at home one night and Miles almost killed him.

 

Jim was reminded once again of the fact that he had no control of his life, and wasn't sure he wanted a life like this much longer. He just wasn’t sure how to change it. 

 

Every time Miles abused Jim, Blair wanted to speak with Banks about it but he didn't know how to start the conversation. This last time, Miles had beaten Jim badly.  Blair felt he had to do something.

 

He knocked on Simon's door and waited. "Get in here, already."

 

"Hi, Sir.  I need to talk to you about Jim and his friend, Miles."

 

"Sandburg, if this is any type of abuse problem just drop it.  All cops know that they'll get laughed at and mistreated by more cops.  So leave it alone."

 

"Simon, I can't believe you're saying that."

 

"Don't you have some work to do?" Simon held his door open. 

 

Blair stormed out and sat at his desk.  He now knew that Jim had nowhere to turn. Things were different when you were a cop. They were even different when you were a man. Cops evidentially don't call other cops. It was late, and he was more or less alone, so he pulled a book out and began to read. 

 

He had been wondering about some things. This book he just bought described Jim well.  It was written by Phillip Coon and called Abused Men. 

 

Shame

What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? 

What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?  Not always a woman. It can sometimes be a man.

It's a private matter--belongs in the family.

If I say anything, she or he will tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public I'm ashamed I'm not strong enough to defend myself. 

 

Denial

It's not that bad. 

All I have to do is leave the house until he or she cools down. (That's what TV star Phil Hartman said, before his wife murdered him and killed herself.) 

I can weather this one, just like I did the others.

 

Blair closed the book and took out the pamphlet he had been reading that afternoon at lunch.

 

Taking on a macho "I can handle it" attitude. Even if you have been hurt much worse on an athletic playing field, that is not the same thing as being physically

attacked by your intimate partner, which hurts emotionally as well as physically. Allowing this pattern to continue can result in depression, substance abuse, loss of confidence, even suicide. (At its worst, it has resulted in death at the hands of a partner or someone induced to kill you by the partner.)

 

As Blair read he was more upset. This was a lot like Jim's life. Jim was a very strong person, but for some reason, he felt he deserved everything he received. Blair hoped that someone would be able to help him before he was dead.

 

Six months down the road lovesick Blair was eating alone, as usual and the doorbell rang.  When he opened it, Jim Ellison fell through the doorway. Not exactly what Blair had hoped when he thought about Jim falling at his feet.

 

"Ellison, just lie still. I'm calling the paramedics."

 

"No. Please.  I can't. He was trying to kill me.  He thinks he succeeded. Then he left. The hospital will report it. I don't want anyone to know." Jim moaned and whimpered as he stood up with help from Blair.

 

Blair didn't take no for an answer and called for an ambulance. Then he called Simon to report it.  Jim kept begging him but Blair just rubbed his Sentinel's face, moving all over his forehead and temples until he fell asleep. There wasn't one part of his partner's face that wasn't bruised, swollen or bleeding.   

 

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

 

For the next three hours, Blair sat in the hospital waiting room and waited for Simon Banks.

 

The doctor taped Jim up, set his wrist in a soft cast, stitched up his face and arms, then he sewed up Jim's anus. He had three large tears.

 

Blair had brought comfortable clothes for him to slip into. Now he just needed to get in to Jim's room and talk to him.  The Sentinel and Guide relationship was still new, but Blair longed for his Sentinel. He would Guide him through the dials to help him get on top of the pain.

 

The doctor called him in and told him about Jim's injuries. Jim had enough smarts to put Blair on his medical records so that he could talk to his doctor about his needs.  Blair then sat next to Jim's bed and talked to his Sentinel for quite some time.   

 

"Sleep for awhile and I'll talk to you when you get up."

 

"Chief, don't leave me."

 

Blair continued sitting next to the bed and both men slept through the night.  The Guide wanted Jim to be in his life so bad but knew that as soon as the Sentinel felt better he would go back to Miles. Back once again to the asshole.  Back, yet again to a life of misery.  Back to be used as a punching bag.  What was wrong with him?  Not, Miles, Jim.

 

In the morning, Blair began hearing the whispering again.  He moved in closer until he could make it out. 

 

"Do it.  Kill me.  Do it.  Kill me." Jim whispered to no one, but perhaps himself.

 

The door of the room opened and in walked Simon and Miles. 

 

"Captain, what are you doing?" Blair demanded to know. 

 

"I brought him up to see his roommate.  He wasn't even home when this happened."

 

"Simon, he was too.  Jim gave me the description for the report."

 

Jim opened his eyes and whispered, "Chief?"

 

"Yeah, I'm here, big man. Sleep some more." Blair was using a soothing voice to help him doze back off. Nothing like painkillers to knock a Sentinel on his ass.   

 

"Jimmy, wake up." Miles shouted. 

 

Jim moved closer to Blair.

 

"What is wrong with you?  The doctor says I can take you home right now, so get your ass out of bed. Stop being a fucking baby and get dressed." Miles started pulling Jim out of the bed.

 

"Be careful.  He has a broken wrist, asshole." Blair snarled.

 

"I'm not going to baby him like you do.  You're the worse kind of fag."

 

"Miles, please..."

 

"Jimmy, are you going to get dressed or not?" Miles shouted this time.

 

Jim moved to get into his clothing.  

 

Blair tried one more time, whispering,  "Simon, he might kill him next time."

 

"Sandburg, weren't you listening?  Miles wasn't even home."

 

Still whispering he said, "Simon, he's lying. He might kill him.  Please take Jim to your house tonight."

 

Simon considered that idea and figured it might be a good one.

 

"Miles, I'm going to take Jim to my place for a few days.  I'll bring him home when the drugs wear off." Simon helped Jim finish dressing and sat him in the wheelchair. 

 

"This is bullshit, Banks. He's my lover, he should be going home with me."

 

"I'll bring him back in three days.  You take a break too." Simon began to push the chair out into the hallway. 

 

Miles leaned into Jim's ear and whispered, "I'm going to make it even worse if you don't come home with me now. I may even have to hurt the fag."

 

"Simon, I'll go home with Miles. I want to.  Thank you for your help.  Chief, thank you for everything."

 

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. Albert Schweitzer 

 

As they walked down the hall Simon said, "I'll keep a closer eye on him for the next few weeks.  Don't worry so much, Sandburg."

 

"So you've known all along about how violent Miles Carson is?"

 

"Of course I know.  Everyone knows.  For some reason, Jim thinks he's not worth anything.  So he continues to let Miles beat him."

 

"Thank you, for watching out for him Captain.  Thank you.  I think he might try and kill him soon."

 

"I agree. So we all need to watch Ellison closely. We'll all be each other's backup." Simon growled. 

 

"You can count on me."

 

"Good. Now let's get some work done." Simon growled again. 

 

"Could I see Jim's file?  I want to see what his background is."

 

"No, but I can tell you that he doesn’t have any self-worth. Other than that, you have to hear it from Jim."

 

Blair finished up his work, fuming over the fact that Jim would be with the animal again.  And there was nothing he, Simon or anyone else could do without Jim saying something first.

 

Three weeks later, Simon called Blair into his office. "Sandburg, I want you to call Jim right now. Joel called and said he's getting more physical each day. Without any legal orders, we put a

bug in this morning.  Just to see how Jim is doing. It doesn't sound good. Joel and Rafe are waiting outside."

 

With shaking hands, Blair dialed the number and heard Miles say, "Carson."

 

"Hi, Miles.  How is Jim doing?"

 

"Sandburg, I want you to stay away from him.  I don't want you being his partner or fuck buddy. Do you understand?"

 

"Can I ask you something, Miles?" Blair said softly. 

 

"Like I could stop you. Go for it."

 

"I've been keeping tabs on you for a month now. I hired a PI and during the last month, you've slept with numerous men.  Strangers.  You're supposed to be in love with Jim, yet you're fucking anything that moves. Can you explain?"

 

A shaken Jim overheard Blair talking to Miles and got up to escape. You're so fucking stupid.

 

"Jimmy, let me explain.  Sandburg doesn't know what he's talking about. You little asshole.  If he tries to leave me, I'm going to kill him. Then I'll kill you." Miles slammed down the phone.

 

Jim was packing in the bedroom when Miles said, "You are going nowhere."

 

"Get out of my way, Miles.  You've pushed me around long enough.  Go fuck yourself."

 

"I'm going to hurt you bad, Jimmy boy. Get over here and take it like a man. Do you want me to do you like the Army guys did?"

 

Something inside of Jim snapped.  All he could think about was how nice, sweet and kind Blair Sandburg was.  And he would never get to know him any better.  Jim knew the look on Miles' face well.  He was going to kill him.  Jim stood his ground. He felt like he had to prove to Sandburg that he was strong. He just got confused for the last ten years.  Keep telling yourself that, Ellison.

 

"Jimmy, are you telling me you might fight back?  Get your clothes off. I'm going to fuck you.  I'll show you who's the boss. You will be screaming for more when I'm done."

 

Jim continued to stay in the same spot.  One major thing changed.  He smiled. It was a beautiful smile. He was thinking about Blair.  He was thinking about having a life with someone like Blair.  Jim realized he was in love with his work partner.  The Sentinel never took his eyes off of Miles.  He knew he would attack soon.  As soon as he did, Jim reached out and easily broke his neck. He was once a Ranger, and it came back to him without any thought at all. For a big man, Miles sure snapped like a twig.   Jim wondered if he was in shock as he smiled.

 

Jim looked down at the dead eyes of his long-time partner and mourned what could have been.  Then he sat next to him and put his face in his hands waiting for death to take him.  He couldn't live in prison. Then he realized he needed his gun. 

 

Rafe and Joel walked through the doorway with Joel saying, "Good job, Ellison.  We're your witnesses.  Self-defense all the way."

 

"Why are you here?" Jim finally asked. 

 

"Simon sent us to check on you." Rafe said quietly. 

 

He knew Rafe was lying. Moving his head around, Rafe and Joel could see he was listening to something. "You have the house bugged?  You fucking bugged my house?  You listened to him beat on me every day and night?  Oh god, you listened to him attack me over and over again?" Jim threw back his head and passed out. 

 

Rafe and Joel both tried to wake him, but he was completely out.  Simon and Blair finally arrived and Blair went right to work.

 

A nervous Joel said, "Rafe, wake him up.  We need to  explain that we just put the bug in this morning, while they were out for breakfast. He's probably ready to die from embarrassment."

 

"I'm tried, he didn't wake up. Let's see what Sandburg can do." 

 

"Men are cruel, but Man is kind."

~ Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

 

Blair, being Jim's Guide, knew exactly what to do, thankfully. And he began. 

 

"Jim, everything will be all right. Listen to my voice and feel my fingers on your arms.  Do you like the sound of my voice?  Do you like the feel of my touch?"

 

"Yes." Jim said softly. 

 

"Everyone?  Could you please get out of here so I can talk with Ellison?"

 

Simon growled, "Sandburg, take him into one of the other bedrooms.  We'll need this room, beings it’s the crime scene."

 

"Of course, Sir. You're right. I'm sorry. Come on, Jim."

 

Jim led him into a room that was soft, light and pretty. Without being asked Jim said, "I did this room for my mother." He sat down on the edge of the bed.

 

"Does she come and see you often?" Blair sat next to Jim and hoped he would make him feel secure enough to talk. He realized he knew very little about Jim after all of this time.

 

"Never. I just miss her. I truly believed that she would come back some day."

 

"When did she leave?" Blair was using his Guide voice and touch to calm the large man.

 

"When I was ten. My dad said that she couldn't live with a freak. I miss her so much, Blair. For Christ's sake that was 32 years ago."

 

"So, why don't we look for her? You can tell her how much you miss her. As soon as this is all figured out, we'll begin the search.  Sound good? And by the way, you are no freak."

 

"And I can't find Stevie's grave. My dad wouldn't tell me."

 

"We'll add that to our list.  We'll find him and visit him once a week.  All right?"

 

Jim leaned into Blair and loved the feeling of comfort coming from this kind man. "Why are you being so nice to me? I just killed my lover."

 

"Self-defense, Jim. He deserved it. I've never met a nicer man than you, and he was cruel and evil. I think you should sleep for a while and we'll find out what's happening here." As soon as Jim fell asleep, Blair went in to see what Jim would be charged with.

 

"He won't be charged with anything.  I have all of his medical records. Everyone knew how abusive this bastard was.  Jim was defending himself and that's all. He has witnesses. Could you stay with him tonight?" Simon asked. 

 

"Yeah. Not a problem. We’ll come by in the morning to answer questions and fill out the needed paperwork."

 

"Rafe, Joel, have you collected all of those bugs?" Simon ordered. 

 

"Yes, but Jim was really upset that we listened in." Rafe informed him. 

 

"He knows?" Simon inquired.

 

"I don't know how, Simon, but he did.  He was embarrassed that we heard what went on." Joel explained. 

 

"Simon, do you mind if I go and get some clothes?" Blair asked.

 

"By all means, go." Simon smiled as the young man left the room. 

 

"I think that the two of them have a thing for each other." Joel said. 

 

"I hope they don't move too fast.  Jim needs to take his time."

 

Simon let Dr. Dan Wolfe in and they all began to do their jobs.

 

Jim woke up and saw Blair reading a book, by the window, with the sun shining on his face, shoulders and hair.  In that sunlight his hair was like copper, shiny and glowing red in different areas.  Jim had never looked at another man and thought they were beautiful but he thought this one was. 

 

 

"Hey, Chief.  Whatcha doing?"

 

"Waiting for you to wake up.  I thought I would take you out to dinner."

 

"Blair, will you hold me?"

 

Blair got up, put his book down and climbed on the bed.  "Sure.  Be glad to. We can eat anytime."

 

"I need to tell you something. I would like you to stay with me for a few days and just be near me, but then I want you to leave.  I can't start up another relationship.  I just can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever."

 

"I understand, Jim.  I'll try and be here for as long as you need me. No promises.  Now just relax and try to rest a little." Blair rubbed Jim's temples and felt the larger man relax. 

 

In a whisper, Jim said, "Miles used to do that too in the first few months.  I thought he loved me and he made me feel so great."

 

Blair stopped rubbing and said, "What can I do that isn't going to cause sad or terrible memories to come to the surface?"

 

"I don't know. I just don't know." Jim fell asleep and Blair snuck out of the bed. He called Simon and said, "I need to go for awhile.  Could you stay with him?"

 

"Sure. I'll be there soon." Simon was glad to help Jim out and was glad that Sandburg had called him.

 

As Blair walked down the hallway, they were taking Miles to the wagon. Blair couldn’t look in that direction, because he didn’t want to feel that much hatred. Instead, he moved on to the bedroom to talk to Simon. When Blair opened the door Simon was surprised at how sad and exhausted the young man looked.  "Sandburg, what's wrong?"

 

"Nothing, sir.  But I can't stay with Jim anymore."

 

"Did he say something wrong?"

 

"No. I can't be around him.  He has feelings for me and I feel the same way. He told me tonight it wouldn't work." Blair collected all of his things and started out the door.

 

"Please tell me that you told him you were going." Simon said. 

 

"Simon, he's been sleeping.  What was I supposed to do? I'll see you tomorrow." The heartbroken young man left the house and drove to his place for another lonely evening and sleepless night.

 

Jim stirred and found Simon sitting in the chair.  "He jumped ship, eh?"

 

"He said you told him it wouldn't work and he was having a hard time being here." Simon hoped he wouldn't cry or anything. 

 

"I didn't expect any more.  It's fine.  I hope he'll continue to be my partner at work.

 

"Jim, you need to see someone."

 

"I'm already seeing a Shrink, Simon. You're the one that made me."

 

"You're taking some medical leave and going to see him more often." Simon was using his big bad boss voice.

 

"Yes, sir." Jim smiled.  He knew Simon was worried about him. 

 

How about I order some pizza?"

 

"Sounds good to me. Would you invite Sandburg?" Jim wasn't above begging. 

 

"I'll give it a try, Jim.  Now relax and I'll take care of dinner." Simon went into the kitchen and called Blair at his apartment. 

 

"Sandburg."

 

"Sandburg, Jim would like you to join us for dinner."

 

"Simon?"

 

"Yes, it's me.  He wants to be friends. Think for minute all right?"

 

"Okay, where are we going?"

 

"Nowhere, I'm ordering Pizza." Simon snapped. 

 

"I'll pick up Chinese on the way.  Better for him anyhow.  You too.  I'll be there soon." Blair hung up the phone and called in an order.  As soon as he was dressed, he was off and running. 

 

Jim was sitting in the kitchen with Simon and he said, "I smell the food.  Sandburg's here." His face lit up and his smile reached his eyes.  Simon hadn't seen that for years.

 

Blair rang the doorbell and Jim opened it still wearing the smile.  "Thanks."

 

"You're very welcome.  You wanna move so I can come in."

 

"Sorry." Jim moved to one side, still smiling. 

 

"Hey, Simon.  I hope you're hungry." Blair took everything into the kitchen and looked around. "Great kitchen, Ellison."

 

"Thanks. I love to cook." Jim got the plates and silverware out and set the table quickly.

 

"He cooks really well, Sandburg." Simon agreed. 

 

"Well, someday I hope to be asked for dinner." Blair smiled at both men and they began to eat.  

 

No one spoke of the serious business at hand.  It was just friendly talk amongst friends. Jim hadn't had this in a very long time. 

 

Blair stood up and said, "Well, I have to go home and get to bed.  I have to work tomorrow."

 

"Stay here. Please? I have another spare room and it has a computer and everything you could need for an office.  I don't want to stay alone." Jim hoped he made his case sound true. 

 

"I thought Simon was going to stay."

 

"I had a date planned.  I was going to come back later tonight, but Jim didn't want me to miss out on possible fun. I can still cancel." Simon looked at Blair to see what was going to happen. 

 

"No, that's all right.  I'm going to get some clothes and move into the office." Blair took off like a bat out of hell.

 

"Jim, do you know what you're doing?"

 

"No. But does Blair look like someone that would hurt me? He's one of the kindest men I've ever met.  I'm in love with him." Jim said openly. 

 

"Just be careful.  He's younger and he might not know what he's doing. I don't want you hurt again. Ever." Simon hugged him quickly and just as quickly moved away. 

 

"Thank you, Simon. You're a good friend."

 

"So are you, Jim, you just don't know it yet.  I'm going to tell you daily until you begin to believe me."

 

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

-- Fr. Jerome Cummings

 

 

"Simon, why did you bug my house?" Jim had tears in his eyes.

 

"Jim, we couldn't talk you into pressing charges, we all knew that.  So it was the only way.  Every time he beat you it got worse. We all feared for your life. So that morning while you went to breakfast with Carson, they slipped in and put the bugs in. It was just that morning, Jim." Simon explained. 

 

"So they didn't hear him beat me and rape me? I still don't think I can work at the station anymore. How can I face them knowing they know how weak I am?"

 

"Jim, they were following orders.  My orders.  I was scared to death. Please don't stay away from them.  They like you.  They would like to become better friends. Rafe has a poker game weekly and he's always wanted to ask you to come but he knew that Miles would have to come or wouldn't let you come alone. They like you. You're a nice guy and a fantastic cop."

 

"Is IA be looking into it?" Jim sounded scared suddenly. 

 

"No, it's already been filed.  IA said it wasn't necessary. It was an open and shut case to them." Simon assured him. 

 

"Can I start back tomorrow?" Jim hoped for a positive answer. 

 

"Let's give it a month. Sandburg needs to come back next week.  Then I want to see my tough Detective Ellison back at his desk, as always. You'll be seeing the department shrink at least twice a week until he says you're better. So I figure 20 years from now?" Simon teased.  

 

"Thank you, Simon. I need friends right now."

 

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.-Anonymous

 

They heard a small knock and Blair walked in.  "Everything all right?"

 

"Everything's just fine, Chief. Sit down." Jim moved over and Blair sat next to him. 

 

"Sandburg, Jim has a month off to get himself together. You have a week to help, so make the best of it. Talk to you guys later.  I think Wednesday would be a good day to go out to eat, what do you think?" Simon teased. 

 

"You're on.  Have you tried that new Cajun place on 5th Street?" Blair asked. 

 

This time it was Simon and Jim laughing together. "Chief, do you know all of the best restaurant's in town?"

 

"Sure do." Blair got up to let Simon out and locked the door behind him. 

 

"Thanks for staying, Chief."

 

"No problem.  I was being immature earlier. I guess I wanted you to confess your undying love on the same day you lost your lover. I’m sorry."

 

"Can I tell you something?” Jim asked and as Blair nodded, he continued, “I've never had anyone make love to me that loved me." Jim confessed. 

 

"Well, when the time comes, I'll be your first.  I love you very much."

 

"I love when you smile.  It lights up the room."

 

"Thanks. Well, I better get to bed." Blair stood up and saw Jim look very nervous. "What's wrong, Jim?"

 

"I'm scared.  I don't want to sleep alone. I hate being this weak."

 

"I'll sleep with you then.  It's not a problem. It's going to take a while before you're the same strong person you once were."

 

"Thank you, Chief." Jim didn't mention that he had never been a strong person, so it wasn't like a new thing to him.

 

Both men got ready for bed and Blair slipped into the bed in Jim's mom's room. "Jim, I think you should move, okay?"

 

"Okay. I was thinking about that earlier."

 

"Good.  Could we maybe look this week?" Blair asked. 

 

"Would you consider moving in with me?  We don't have to have sex or anything."

 

"Let's wait and see what the doctor says. Deal?"

 

"Okay, it's a deal." Jim slid into bed and shut the light out. 

 

"Blair?"

 

"Yes."

 

"They didn't hear what he said and did to me every night.  But they still know everything. I'm having a hard time dealing with that."

 

"Jim, we all knew he was doing it to you, anyway. It upset them that he was hurting their friend and they decided to act on it. You can do this, Jim.  You can handle it."

 

"You told me that you would help me locate my mom and search for my brother's grave.  Could we do that this week, too?"

 

"Yes. I would be glad to help you. I have a friend that's a PI. He could help us too." Blair offered. 

 

"Did Miles really sleep with a lot of men?"

 

"Not that I know of."

 

"How many?"

 

"I have no idea. Numerous just sounded right."

 

"Do you think he was?"

 

"Jim, you're the Sentinel, what did you sense?"

 

"He was.  I tried to pretend but it didn't work anymore. I was in love with him, Blair.  Really in love.  But the feeling died off somewhere after the third month and I never got it back."

 

"I believe that.  You were probably very mixed up.  I'm glad that you realized you weren't in love anymore. I'm sorry, Jim.  I would have done anything to had this never happen to you."

 

"Thanks, Chief. I'll be fine."

 

"I think you will."

 

Pain

Erasing a little each day.

A new person is emerging.

Love can replace pain.

You can live.

You can be happy.

Let go of the pain.

Jim Ellison, to himself.

 

"Do you think I should go and see my dad again?"

 

"No. He's a cruel, evil man and I don't want you around him. Now go to sleep." Blair curled up to Jim's back and threw his arm over him and before long they were both

asleep.

 

When Jim woke up the next morning, he smelled breakfast. With a smile he jumped in the shower. As he stepped out he glanced in the mirror and panic filled his mind and body. He was covered with scars. He was ugly. He was second-hand goods. Blair would never want him.  See, Ellison, you can't even win with Miles being dead.  He's hurting you from the grave. Blair could never be attracted to this body.  A cheerless, but clothed Jim Ellison walked downstairs. 

 

"Hey... Good morning.  Did you sleep all right?"

 

"Yeah." Jim sat down to eat and ignored the look of hurt on Blair's face. 

 

"What did I do wrong, Jim?"

 

"Nothing.  I have a lot on my mind."

 

"Well, I think I'm not ready for this because I'm sure as hell not going to let you use me for mental exploitation." Blair went in to pack his bag. 

 

Jim followed him and slid his arms around Blair. He hugged him tight. "Chief, I saw my body in my mirror and realized you could never want to see me like that..."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Naked."

 

"You're underestimating me.  I want to see you naked, big time. There could be nothing about you that would be horrible looking.  So get a grip and get over it." Blair smiled at his new love. 

 

"Okay. I'll try and do better. It might take awhile.  After all, my name is James 'Dysfunctional' Ellison."

 

"Don't make fun of yourself. Would you like to look for Steven's grave first?"

 

"Yeah. I miss him so much."

 

"I bet you do. I wish I could have met him. I'm going to call my friend I told you about and we'll go from there." Blair called Tristan at his office and gave him the info he would need.

 

"I'll call you back in a few, BS." Tristan teased. 

 

"Will do.  Behave yourself and say hello to Martha."

 

Blair finished breakfast with Jim and then cleaned up the kitchen. 

 

"Jim, come sit in the living room.  I want to talk to you about some things." Blair led the way. 

 

"Shoot."

 

"First of all, you're going to see a therapist, right?"

 

"Yes, I have to go twice a week." Jim grumbled. 

 

"You have to promise me that you'll tell me when you get depressed.  I don't want to wake up some morning and find you lying somewhere dead.  It would kill me.  Got it?"

 

"Got it... I promise."

 

"Next, you have to let me in a little more.  When you're upset, I want to be upset.  If you need to lose it, lose it with me. Understood?"

 

"Understood. Chief, I want you to know that I'm going to have some rough weeks ahead, hell... maybe rough months.  I'm doing fine right now, but I loved Miles, in my own way and I'll have to learn to live with the fact that it was me who killed him.  I could have easily stopped him, but I think I truly wanted to finish it."

 

"I hear that. He was a very brutal man.  I know you loved him once, but he took advantage of that."

 

"Yeah, I know he did. It's going to take time, but I'll get better, Blair. And when I do, I would like to make love to you. I've never done that.  Miles always fucked me. I asked once and he almost killed me."

 

"I would love to have you make love to me, when you're ready."

 

The phone rang and Jim answered it. "Ellison...  Yeah, here he is."

 

Jim handed the phone to Blair. "Hello?"

 

BS, I found the info for you. His brother isn't dead.  He owns his own company in Seattle, is married and has two children.  His oldest child, a boy, is named James

Joseph Ellison. His daughter is named Grace Josephine Ellison. He thinks that Jim is dead, too. And his mother lives in Seattle.  She sees her grand-children often.  I talked to her and she would love to see Jim. She also thought he was dead.

 

"Thanks, Tris.  What are the addresses?" Blair wrote everything down and said goodbye. 

 

"Looks like we'll be going to Seattle. I'll make the arrangements."

 

"Why? What's in Seattle?" Jim asked. 

 

"Your mother and your brother."

 

"Dad buried him in Seattle?"

 

Blair smiled at the slow-witted man. "No, he's alive and he lives and works there.  Your mother sees him often."

 

"Oh shit... Oh shit..." Jim sprinted off for the bedroom and curled into a ball on the bed. 

 

"Get up and face this.  We're going now.  I want you to see him as soon as you can.  Come on.  This is no time to panic."

 

Jim looked at him and sadly said, "I don't have a clue as to how I should feel right now."

 

"It takes about one hour to get there, so you can practice.  Come on.  Pack..."

 

"You're sort of bossy, aren't you?" Jim hoped that Blair knew how much he needed him.

 

"Hop to it, big man." Blair was done with his bag and started on Jim's. 

 

"I'll do it.  I'll do it.  Geeze. Chief, why do you think they never looked me up?"

 

"Your dad told them you were dead. Your mom told Tristan that she thought you were dead. It's a shame, but we're going to have a reunion now."

 

"I'm so nervous."

 

"Well, stop it.  You have a niece and nephew to meet.  Come on."

 

They rushed to the truck and were off. Blair knew this might be horrible, but he had to take him there anyway. 

 

"Why are you driving?" Jim suddenly asked. 

 

"It's my truck."

 

"I know that, but why didn't we take my truck and I could drive?"

 

"We've gone 30 miles already, you want to turn around?" Blair gripped. 

 

"It's been about four miles and no, this is fine."

 

"You can tell how far away we've driven?"

 

"I can see about 5 miles, clearly.  So if I could still see my mailbox, it's less than five."

 

"Holy shit, that's so friggin' exciting. We're going to do some tests when we get back."

 

"Oh goody."

 

"Oh shut up." Blair said casually, and then began to laugh.

 

The drive was very quiet.  Blair knew that Jim wanted to think and Blair wanted to think about things, also.  This Guide wondered if perhaps they were moving a little too fast. He would have to slow things down as time went on.

 

Second Thoughts, have no place here-Blair Sandburg

 

Once they reached Seattle, he handed the directions to Jim. First they found the hotel and checked in, and then Jim told him how to get to Steven's. When they got there Jim just sat in the truck shaking.

 

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. --Wayne H

 

"Jim, it's your brother.  You love him, and he loves you.  Now let's go meet your family again." Blair slid out of the truck and Jim finally opened up the door. 

 

The front door opened and Steven came running out while bursting into tears. All he could say was, "Jimmy.  Jimmy. Jimmy."

 

Jim held him for the longest time but unlike his brother, he couldn't seem to shed tears.  "Stevie, I missed you so much. Dad told me you were dead." Jim took in his scent and kissed the top of his head. 

 

"He told me you were dead.  Said you died in the service.  I was heartbroken.  And to think we've been this close all along. Hey, introduce me to your friend."

 

"God, I'm sorry, Stevie.  Blair Sandburg, this is Steven Ellison. Blair is a fellow cop in Cascade and also a very dear friend."

 

"Good to meet you, Blair.  Any friend of Jimmy's is a friend of mine."

 

"It's nice to finally meet you, Steven."

 

"Come on in, guys.  I want you to meet the kids and my wife, Bailey."

 

They followed him in and a very pretty, dark haired woman, stood with tears in her eyes.  "Jim, it's wonderful to finally meet you."

 

"Bailey, it's great to meet you too.  He always had bad taste in girls. It's nice to see he outgrew that. This is my best friend, Blair Sandburg."

 

Blair beamed when he heard the words come out of Jim's mouth.  He realized he wanted to be the very best of friends and help make Jim's life right again. 

 

"It's good to meet you, Bailey.  I love that name." Blair said. 

 

Jim leaned in and whispered, "Knock off the flirting." Then he laughed. 

 

"Jim, how did you find us?" Steven asked. 

 

"Blair has a friend who is a PI and he found you."

 

"I'm sure glad.  Wait until you see mom.  She didn't leave us on purpose.  Dad had her put in a mental institution for about 10 years. Finally, a doctor with some smarts realized she had problems, but they weren't mental. We see her twice a week."

 

"Where does she live? An apartment?" Jim asked. 

 

"She got a lawyer and they took half of everything dad owned and had socked away.  She got him good.  So she has a house, very nice I might add, and has a cabin in the woods.  We all go camping during the spring and summer. Jimmy, this is so great.  We'll be able to spend time together. How about moving here?"

 

"Steven, I have a job and friends in Cascade.  I don't want to move."

 

"But you could consider it, Jim." Blair suggested. 

 

Jim looked at him as if he were insane. "Sure, I'll think on it."

 

Bailey came walking out with James and Grace.  They were very attractive children. Jim could see young Steven in James.

 

As beautiful as flowers, but children can love you back, even more-Jim Ellison

 

She said, "James, this is your Uncle James whom you are named after. Jim, he's 10."

 

"How do you do, James. It's really nice to finally meet you." Jim shook his hand and they both had huge smiles on their faces. 

 

"And this little girl is your 7 year old niece, Grace.  She hoped she would meet you some day.  She told us that you were alive.  We never believed her." Steven said. 

 

"I'm so happy to meet you, Grace.  That name is as lovely as you are. How did you know I was alive?" Jim asked. 

 

"You came to me in my dreams.  You looked a lot like you do now, but you had scars all over you. Do you have scars?" Grace asked quietly.

 

"Yes."

 

"Did he hurt you, all the time?"

 

"Yes." Jim was heartbroken that this little girl had to know about his horrible life. 

 

"Don't worry, Uncle Jim.  Everything will be better now. The Panther told me. Your friend is much kinder and cuter, too." Grace giggled and shook hands with Blair. 

 

"I'm a good friend of Uncle Jim's.  My name is Blair Sandburg."

 

"Kids, go wash up for dinner." Bailey said.

 

The Panther and the Wolf watched the family from a distance.  No one knew they were there, of course. Panther was glad The Large One was doing better.  Wolf was glad that The Young One was helping the Large One find his way. In time, they would be able to show themselves to both. For now, they were only there to watch them.

 

As soon as they were out of earshot, she said, "We're so sorry.  She kept telling us about you being alive and the man you loved was hurting you.  She described it in

detail but we didn't believe her. She kept talking about a panther that wanted her to follow. God, I'm so sorry, Jim."

 

"Don't be sorry.  It's my fault that I was in the situation and I have to pay for it now. And poor little Grace has to live with that vision in her head." A sad Jim got up to wash up and have a moment alone. 

 

"How is he really doing, Blair?" Steven asked. 

 

"Pretty good, but it's going to be a long road to recovery."

 

"We're here for anything you might need." Bailey said. 

 

"Thank you, Bailey.  Jim's very happy to have family.  He missed that so much."

 

Jim walked into the room looking somewhat angry and said quietly, "Chief, please don't discuss me behind my back."

 

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Blair joined the kids at the table, never looking at his love. 

 

Jim leaned down and kissed his neck and said, "I'm sorry.  I don't like when people talk about me.  I'd rather have them ask me. Do you understand?"

 

"Yes, I do.  And it won't happen again." Blair started talking with the children and Jim knew he had already fucked up. 

 

I feel like fishing today.

I want you to be that fish.

Forever.

James Ellison, about Blair Sandburg

 

 

"So Jim, are you going to stay with us?" Steven asked. 

 

"No. We have a hotel.  We've already checked in. Maybe next time, bro." Jim smiled at him warmly. 

 

"Sure.  Maybe next time." Steven said sadly.

 

The day and evening went by very quickly. "How long are you staying in town?" Steven wondered aloud. 

 

"We'll be staying two more days. We hope to meet you somewhere tomorrow and have lunch and dinner.  I want to take you all out. Would you ask mom to come, too? I really need to see her." Jim said. 

 

"That would be nice, Jim.  Thank you. You're going to like seeing your mom." Bailey said. "Kids would you like to go out to eat with us, or stay with the sitter?" She laughed at the face they both made. 

 

"I guess they'll be coming along, Jim." Steven snickered. 

 

They left at 10:00 that night and drove to the hotel. Once in the room Jim waited for Blair to lose his temper and take it out on him.  He just sat at the end of the bed and remained there. 

 

Blair looked at Jim closely and realized he had a frightened man on his hands. It saddened Blair to realize Jim would think he would ever hit him. He was instantly upset. 

 

"Jim, I love you."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Yes.  I got my feelings hurt tonight and took it out on you. I'm sorry."

 

"I'm sorry too, Blair."

 

Jim still had not looked up to meet Blair's eyes. "Jim? Are you afraid of me?"

 

"No."

 

Blair didn't believe him and this hurt him even worse.  "Look at me, please?"

 

Jim looked up and saw a gorgeous man with nothing but love in his eyes. "I do love you, Chief."

 

"How about us sleeping tonight, not talking, so we'll be well rested for tomorrow.  That's a big deal, meeting your mom again." Blair smiled down at him. 

 

"Sounds good to me.  Will you sleep with me again?  I slept really well last night.  First time in ages."

 

"Sure..." Blair stripped and got ready for bed.  Once he left the bathroom, he climbed into bed.  He waited patiently for Jim to come out and almost died when he did. 

 

Jim got undressed and guessed he would let Blair see his body now. The night before he had slept in a tee shirt and boxers, so Blair didn’t see his awful body.  Now if Blair couldn't deal with it, he could leave right away.

 

Blair began crying very hard.  Jim rushed to his side and said, "It's all right, Blair."

 

"That would never be all right, Jim.  You're one of the nicest men I know, I can't believe he did this to you."

 

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. 

--Mark Twain

 

Jim slid into bed and held on to him all night long.  Both men slept well, considering. 

 

In the morning, they took a fast shower together with no sex.  Jim found it very sweet that Blair was hard, even glimpsing at his horrible looking body. They kissed almost the entire time. 

 

"I love you, Jim."

 

"And I love you. I think I fell in love right after you figured out I was a Sentinel. I'm so glad you came into my life when you did. Thank you."

 

"You're welcome.  Let's get ready to meet the fam." Blair smiled all the way out of the bathroom. 

 

Jim glanced down at his rigid cock and said, "Shit."

 

"Tell me about it.  We'll do something about it tonight. Okay?" Blair called out from the other room. And in the meantime, we walk around hard as a rock.  That'll be fun.  

 

Jim got dressed and called his brother's house. 

 

"Ellison."

 

"Hi, Stevie. Do we know where we're going to meet for lunch?"

 

"Jimmy, Mom just called and wants to know if you and I can take her for lunch today alone.  She wants it to be just the three of us.  And Bailey, Blair and the kids can go out as planned. What do you think?"

 

"Hang on... Blair, do you mind if I go with my mom and Steven for lunch. And do you still want to go with Bailey and the kids?"

 

Steven could hear them talking sweet-talk and he smiled. 

 

"Yah, he said that would be great. Where should I meet you and what time?" Jim asked. 

 

"At your hotel. How about Noon?"

 

"That's good for me.  I'll see you then." Jim hung the phone up and started to shake. 

 

Blair knew this was coming and was ready for it. "Jim, I brought everything if you would like to make love to me."

 

Jim stopped shaking and looked at his friend. "Chief, I don't think we should."

 

"Okay." Blair opened a book and began to read. 

 

"Unless you think I'm ready for it." Jim added. 

 

"Jim, you either want to or you don't want to.  Make up your own mind." Blair went back to reading. 

 

"I want to.  I want to big time."

 

Blair stood up and began to strip as he walked to the bed.  Once he was naked, he slid underneath the covers and said, "I'm waiting.  Don't make me wait too long or I'll take care of this thing myself."

 

Jim smiled and stripped.  Blair noticed he seemed a little less nervous and upset about letting Blair see his scarred body.  Thank goodness for that.

 

Jim spent a long while licking, sucking and biting his mate.  Blair was insane with need. Or he could have been just insane. After all, he had no blood flow to the brain.

 

"Jim, come on. Don't tease me.  Fuck me already."

 

Jim slowly slid one slick finger into Blair's hot, tight hole and smiled when his Guide whimpered with desire.  He played for a while and teased the younger man some more. Then he added another slick finger and began stretching him while also rubbing the prostate. Jim was putting a lot into it because he had never felt this, either. That prostate was odd feeling, but he liked it.  He knew Blair sure did.  Blair was tossing his head from side to side, begging for release.  Jim bent down and licked Blair's cock like he would an ice cream cone. 

 

"Jim, come on.  I'm ready.  I'm loose.  I'm hot. I'm fucking ready. Now get busy and do the fucking part."

 

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

                    Aristotle

                (384 BC - 322 BC)

 

Jim put Blair's legs around his waist as he slid the condom on and just as quickly he began to enter his love.  Blair looked up at Jim and saw tears, but Blair could tell, they were tears of joy. 

 

"Jim, this is fantastic.  Do me harder.  Make me remember this happened two days from now."

 

Jim pulled Blair's legs around his waist, even tighter, and began to really fuck his mate. "God, Chief..."

 

"Fuck me, Jim.  Fuck me hard.  Fuck me so hard I'll wake up everyone on this floor.  Give it to me, Jim.  Harder.  Harder. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me."

 

With Blair's litany, Jim lost all control; he knew he was going to explode soon. "Chief, come for me.  Come for me now."

 

Just like that, Blair did.  He howled like a wolf, making Jim laugh softly as he came explosively. 

 

"You laughing at me, big man?"

 

"You sounded like a fucking wolf."

 

"Wow, you've listened to them when they fuck?" Blair asked. 

 

"Thank you, Blair.  This was great.  I love you so much."

 

"You are most welcome. I'd like to clean us up and we can nap for a while before we leave." Blair suggested. 

 

"Sounds like a plan, Stan."

 

Before long, the two, tired but very happy men were sound asleep.

 

You were right, the sun will continue to rise each day.

I still think you had something to do with it.

Jim Ellison, about Blair Sandburg

 

 

Jim had set the alarm for ten, so they had plenty of time to get ready.  Blair was glad they did because, while in the shower, Jim made sweet love to Blair once again. This time was slower and gentler. 

 

"Jim, why don't you make any noise while we're making love?"

 

"I'm sorry.  I'll work on it, okay?"

 

"Did he not let you?"

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"No need to be sorry.  We're going to start talking about things from now on.  Let's get a move on.  You've got a mother to meet again."

 

"Blair, I love you so much, sometimes, it physically hurts. Have you ever heard this before?"

 

"Yup. I feel the same way.  Now let's get happy."

 

As they dressed, Blair noticed a change in Jim, and it wasn't a good one.  He seemed to be pulling away.  He probably thinks he's not good enough for you.  He probably thinks he's ugly and he might even question how good he is in bed.

 

"Ready, Jim?"

 

"Ready.  Thank you for everything, Blair."

 

"No problem.  I have to meet Bailey and the kids outside, so I guess I better get going. Before I forget; you fucked me so well, I will never forget it. I love you."

 

"How do you know just what to say and when to say it?  Thank you, Blair.  Thank you so much for loving me."

 

"My pleasure.  Now I better get downstairs to meet Bailey."

 

"Chief, could you come with me to meet my mom?  I'm so friggin' nervous."

 

"All you had to do was ask.  I'd be more than happy to do it."

 

When they got into the elevator, Blair held Jim's hand tightly and hoped it would go all right.  Jim tried to pull away when the elevator opened but Blair wouldn't let go of him for anything.

 

They walked hand in hand to a table where a pretty woman sat with Steven.  She stood and had tears rolling down her face.  "Jimmy, you've turned into a fine-looking man. I've missed you so much."

 

Blair let go of Jim and Jim almost ran over to her side of the table.  Again, he didn't cry, but he was very moved.  "I missed you too, Mom.  I knew you wouldn't leave us.  Dad lied to all of us."

 

Grace pulled his face closer to her and said, "You look just like my father and that's a wonderful thing, Jimmy.  He was special too.  Just as you, little Grace and I are.

I take it you have found your Guide and mate."

 

"You have heightened senses?" Jim asked. 

 

"Yes and little Grace does too.  She has taken to them very well."

 

"Blair, I'm sorry I keep doing this.  Mom, this is my best friend and partner, Blair Sandburg.  Blair, this is Grace Ellison."

 

"I'm so pleased to meet you, Ms. Ellison.  Jim is a wonderful man." Blair found himself being nervous, making Jim smile. 

 

"It's good to meet you too.  You best get out and wait for Bailey."

 

Jim looked at her oddly and looked over at Blair.  "I'll see you later, Jim." Then he whispered, "I love you."

 

Jim said his aloud. "I love you, too, Chief. See you for dinner, right?"

 

"Wouldn't miss it, man." Blair left quietly and Jim knew he had been upset. 

 

"Big brother, sit down and we'll have lunch." Steven ordered with a smile. 

 

Lunch went well.  They all caught up on each other and life looked bearable to Jim more or less. 

 

"Do you know what time Bailey and Blair will be back?"

 

"No, but I did tell them we had dinner plans so they shouldn't be too long." Steven answered. 

 

"Mom, are you going tonight?  I really want you to get to know Blair.  He's fantastic."

 

"I need to talk to you, Jimmy.  Could we go up to your room?"

 

"Sure. Stevie?"

 

"No, I have to get home.  Have a good talk, you two." Steven left, taking the check with him.

 

"I was going to pay it." Jim sounded irritated. 

 

"Let him, he feels guilty."

 

"So do I. Mom, I'm so sorry."

 

"Honey, you didn't do anything.  Don't you worry."

 

Once they were inside the room she sat in a chair and said, "Jimmy, just how fond are you of your mate?"

 

"His name is Blair, Mom. And I love him like you couldn't imagine."

 

"Well, that's fine, but Blair can't give you children.  You have to pass the gift on.  You'll need to find a woman mate.  Promise me you'll give this some thought."

 

"I don't like women. I don't have to give it any thought. I've chosen to be with Blair."

 

"You have stronger abilities than the rest of us, so your seed needs to be passed on.  Would you consider having a child with a woman and we could raise the child?"

 

"Mom, I've had a lot happen lately and I don't want to think about a child right now."

 

"What has happened?  Tell me."

 

Jim sat down and told her all about his life with Miles.  She cried numerous times. Then he told her about Blair saving his life in more ways than one. 

 

"I see that he is special.  I'm sorry, Jimmy."

 

"Why are you sorry?"

 

"You'll never be able to have a special child and that makes me sad. Look at how special little Grace is."

 

"Mom, she's no more special than James is.  I think they're both darling. And what about Steven?  You think he's not special?"

 

"Everyone is special, but not as special as you or little Grace."

 

"I'm going to get you a cab, Mom.  I need to lie down.  I'm still sore and weak from the ordeal."

 

"I'll get it, Jimmy.  I'll see you tonight." She stood up and kissed him on the cheek and left. 

 

 

"Hope is a universal language." 

Source Unknown

 

 

Jim stood looking out the window and wondered if his life was going to continue to be in complete upheaval?  He loved Blair so much.  His Guide had given him hope for the first time in years.  Jim recognized he would have to talk to Blair about this. Heaving a sigh, he walked over and lay on the bed. 

 

Two hours later, Blair strolled through the door, wearing a huge smile that only got larger when he saw his love lying on the bed. 

 

Other men said they have seen angels, 

But I have seen thee. 

And thou art enough. 

~ By G. Moore ~

 

Jim smiled back and moved over to make room for Blair.  He was like an angel.  He was just what Jim required at this point in his life. When Blair kissed him, he felt as

if he was on fire. Jim attacked Blair with unrelenting kissing, and when things grew more desperate, Blair stopped it. 

 

"Talk to me, Jim.  What's wrong? I can see a look of fear on your face."

 

Jim told him all about lunch, and the talk with his mom afterwards.  Then he waited for Blair to yell or something. 

 

"Jim, just say no.  Simple enough.  You don't want to give up your mom just because she wants you to have a baby with some unknown woman."

 

"Okay... I love you, Blair."

 

"And I love you.  Let's go for a walk and see the sights. We need to buy some goofy shirts for the gang before we go back."

 

"Sounds good to me, Chief."

 

The first shop they went into had some fun tees, so they began to look. 

 

Big Hands, Big Feet

You Do The Math! ---

 

Jim heard Blair laughing and said, "Who is that for?"

 

"It could be for all of us, but we're getting it for our Boss."

 

"How do you know he has a big penis?"

 

"Everyone has seen him in the shower at least once.  Whoa..."

 

"Oh that's great.  You're looking at other men?" Jim was in his whine mode now. 

 

"I wasn't with you then, doofus. Look at this shirt, babe. Who is this one for?"

 

I'm lost. Please take me home with you---

 

"Henry?"

 

"You betcha.  It's perfect."

 

"He doesn't wear a Large.  He wears an extra large." Jim corrected his love. 

 

"You go and find some."

 

Jim continued to look until he found one that was perfect for Rafe.

 

Women have feelings too. But like...who cares? ---

 

Jim put the shirt up on the counter and began to look some more. He smiled the entire way. Blair always seemed to know how to cheer his old mate up. 

 

"Jim, I found one for Joel.  Tell me this isn't screaming his name."

 

"Chief, I'm the Sentinel here and I haven't heard a word."

 

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

 

"You don't think it's funny?" Blair asked quietly.

 

"I think it's a riot, Chief. Go for it. I put Rafe's on the counter.  Who else?"

 

"That new Inspector Conner.  She's nice.  Let's pick her out something nice."

 

"I don't know her well enough to buy a shirt." Jim whined again. 

 

"Tough. Go and find one." Blair pushed him back to the shirts again and he went over to find some more fun stuff for Jim.

 

Jim started looking through the shirts and started laughing.

 

Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies---

 

Jim grabbed it and added it to their small pile.  He went looking for something for his Chief.  He wanted something fun so that it would make him laugh. Jim loved watching his eyes light up with delight. He told the person what he wanted and waited for the result. 

 

What part of NO CLOTHES don't you understand, Jim?

 

When Jim added that to the pile he slid it beneath everything else. It was a surprise after all. In the meantime, Blair found a shirt for Jim.  He decided to be serious for a change. After all, this was the man he loved. The woman ironed on the letters, quickly and Blair picked out a huge Panther for the back.

 

Strength, thy name is Ellison.

 

He put it on the bottom of the pile and went and looked some more. The Guide glanced at his Sentinel across the store and knew he had made a good decision in taking him out to spend money. He knew it would get his mind off of everything. It worked.  Just then Jim looked over at Blair and smiled making the Guide instantly hard.  This made Jim's smile grow even wider.

 

Whispering he said, "You're going to pay for this."

 

"I planned on paying for the stuff."

 

"The stuff isn't what I'm talking about and you know it."

 

They paid for everything and went back to the hotel.  Once there, they looked at all of the prizes and discussed who would get what. Jim had tears in his eyes when he saw the shirt Blair had made up for him. Jim couldn't stand it any longer and attacked Blair. Jim found out that Blair loved to be attacked.  And Jim showed him what a good job he could do. When Jim fell asleep for his nap, Blair lay awake thinking about how soon he could bring up taking Jim for once.  He wanted him in the worst way.

 

Talk to him, doofus.

 

Blair cuddled up to Jim's back and noticed he was waking up already. He slid his arm around Jim's chest and caressed his nipples softly until they became hard nubs.

 

"Jim, can I ask you something?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Can I make love to you, or is it too soon?"

 

"It's never too soon where you're concerned. Can I ask you one thing?"

 

"Anything, babe."

 

"I have to see your face."

 

"I already figured that one out, man." Blair proceeded to get his partner ready for the fucking of his life. He knew Jim was a nervous wreck but it was going well.  As he slid into Jim's warm, tight channel, Blair moaned so loud it made Jim laugh.

 

"Are you laughing at my technique?"

 

"Never. Love me, babe." And Blair showed him exactly how much he did love him. Jim still didn't make much noise, but Blair wasn't going to let that bother him.  Not

everyone was as vocal as he was.

 

"Chief, I'm almost there.  God, you fuck good."

 

"Jim, just call me Lord.  God is so formal." Blair giggled but didn't lose his momentum.

 

"Lord Blair, come with me." Jim shouted as he came with Blair following close behind.

 

"I love you, Blair."

 

"And I love you. Now nap.  I'll leave you in peace for an hour or so."

 

"Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to be made love to." Jim curled into Blair's arms and quickly started his power nap. 

 

 

"Love is friendship set to music."

~E. Joseph Crossmann~

 

 

When Grace got to Steven's home, she rang the bell.  "Hi, Mom.  What's up?" He opened the door for her to come in.

 

"I want to talk to Bailey."

 

"Sure, I'll get her." Steven left and Bailey came in alone.

 

"Hi, Grace, what's up?"

 

"If I asked you to do us a favor, would you?"

 

"You know I would do almost anything for you."

 

"I want you to carry a child for Jim." Grace said it so casually, that it shocked Bailey even more.

 

"I'm married to his brother. I can't do that."

 

"Bailey, he's one of the strongest Sentinel's I've ever been around. He won't consider having a child with a stranger, so I thought maybe you would like to keep the Sentinels in the family."

 

"Grace, I have to talk to Steven about it."

 

"You can't tell him.  He would treat that child differently and I don't want that." Grace explained. 

 

"I'll think about it, Grace."

 

"This is for the family." Grace stood up to leave and said, "I'll see you tonight."

 

Grace watched her mother-in-law walk out the door and wondered when she had entered that fucking twilight zone. She picked up the phone and called Jim.

 

"Ellison." Jim said, husky sounding from sleep.

 

"Hi, Jim, this is Bailey. I need to talk to you right now."

 

"Is Steven all right?"

 

"Everyone is all right.  Just come over.  Bring Blair, too."

 

Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light.  Dorothy Thompson

 

 

Blair rolled over and said, "Who was on the phone?"

 

"Bailey. She needs to talk to me right now and wants you to come too."

 

"Sounds serious."

 

"Her heart was pounding."

 

"I have to wash up.  Give me a few." Blair almost ran into the bathroom.

 

I'd like to run away 

From you, 

But if you didn't come 

And find me ... 

I would die. 

~ By Shirley Bassey ~

 

Jim had watched Blair's face and couldn't decide if he was scared or if he was sick of Jim already. He wished he could just tell him that it might be time to call it quits.  But that idea scared him more than a bullet. He sat down on the edge of the bed and let the pain get hold of his body once more. He would have to get used to being alone. Being afraid. Being unloved. Being dead. When would this leave? When could he become a living person again?

 

"If you're quiet, you're not living.  You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."

              -- Mel Brooks

 

"Knock it off, Jim. Nothing is wrong and I'm not angry.  So just let yourself feel happiness. I never know how you feel.  You have to show me and tell me.  Deal?"

 

"Deal.  Right now I was afraid you were going to leave me."

 

"Why?"

 

"I don't know.  Maybe I think it's all going to be too much and you'll bail. I don't know what I would do without you."

 

"You don't have to think about it, babe.  I love you and I'm here for the long haul." Blair smiled over at his love and Jim finally smiled back. 

 

"We better get.  By the way, I love you back." Jim kissed him as they walked out of the room.

 

"Now let's see what was so important."

 

At Steven's home, Bailey told Steven all about his mother's chat with her.  He found it hard to believe. What was their mom thinking of?  And what would Jim and Blair say about it? 

 

"I still can't believe my mother asked you to have Jim's baby.  Are you sure you understood her correctly?" Steven asked. 

 

"Steven, if you don't take my side soon, I'm leaving you.  I'm very upset about this.  She acted as if she were insane."

 

"Calm, down, sweetheart.  We'll talk to Jim about it, too. Did you think on this at all?"

 

"Steven Ellison, I hate you." Bailey ran into their bedroom slamming the door. Jim and Blair chose that moment to arrive, knocking on the door.

 

"Hey, guys.  Come on in.  We're got a little trouble here and Bailey is upset with me." Steven went to get her out of their room. 

 

When she walked out, Jim and Blair could both see that she had been crying. Shit, what did we walk into?  Blair wondered to himself.

 

"Sit down, guys.  I have some things to tell you.  First of all, Grace was here today and asked if I would carry a child for Jim. She said it was important to have this family full of little Sentinels. Then my husband asked me if I would do it.  I'm not sure I can forgive him for that but I'll think on it. I think she's insane and I won't allow either of our children to go to her house from here on in." Bailey finally took a breath.

 

"I'm so sorry, Bailey." Jim spoke first, "she was always very high strung and odd, but this goes way past odd."

 

"Now I know you don't want to hear this, Jim, but it would be nice to pass those genes on. Maybe we could get a surrogate mother." Blair suggested.

 

"Chief, I can't take care of myself right now.  I'd rather just hang out with my nephew and niece for the time being."

 

Steven stood up and said, "She's going to be very angry with us."

 

"So what?  It's not like she's going to hit you, Steven." Jim pointed out. He saw the look on Steven and Bailey's face and he asked, "She was abusive?"

 

"Just a few times, Jimmy."

 

"I don't give a shit.  Steven, have you ever thought of moving to Cascade? I have some property we could have houses built on and be close to each other. And while we wait, I have rental properties which are empty right now. They are just beautiful homes. If you like one of those houses, we can move you into them. And I promise you, I will never hit any of you."

 

"What do you think, Bailey?" Steven asked.

 

"I would love to.  My grandmother lives there and I don't see her enough."

 

"I hate to burst anyone's bubble but we have to meet Mrs. Ellison in one hour.  Are you all up to it?" Blair inquired.

 

Darkness passed over Jim’s face as he remembered something he wished he didn’t. "Chief? Can we go home?  I need to be home."

 

"What's wrong, Jim?  Talk to me." Jim got up and went into the bathroom. 

 

Blair followed him in to see his lover sitting on the edge of the tub.  "I remembered something."

 

"What?"

 

"My mother molested me when I was young and my dad caught her.  He sent her away and I guess he blamed me." Jim was shaking as he spoke. 

 

"Man, we need to get back right now.  We need to talk to the doctor about this.  Okay?" Blair kissed him on the top of the head and added, "We need to go now."

 

"I can't tell them, Blair." Jim looked so pitiful that Blair's heart was breaking in half.

 

"I'll tell them I'm sick. Come on." He pulled Jim up and they walked back into the living room. 

 

Jim said, "We have to go. I'm not doing well.  Just tell Mom I'll see her some other time. All right?"

 

"Jimmy, what did you remember?" Steven asked.

 

"Nothing to worry about, Stevie. I'm sorry for leaving so fast. I still would like you to move to Cascade, but please don't invite mom." Jim took Blair's hand and they walked out the door.

 

Bailey caught up with them and asked, "Jim, did she abuse you sexually?"

 

Jim looked in horror at his sister-in-law, who figured out one of his weaknesses just by looking at him. 

 

"The reason I ask is because she did things to Steven. She even came on to him a few times since we've been married.  She really is nuts."

 

To suffering, there is a limit.  To fear, there is none.

Francis Bacon

 

"Bailey, get the kids packed up and come with us now.  Steven can follow in a few days. That will give him time to put his business up for sale. Will you do that for me?" Jim almost begged.

 

"Okay, give me a few minutes." She rushed in the house and told Steven the game plan. 

 

Steven walked out and said, "Jim, where are they going to stay?"

 

"I have a rental house that's empty right now.  We'll all move in there for the time being.  It's very nice.  It has five bedrooms, so there is plenty of room." Jim explained. 

 

Steven looked at Jim and realized that he could trust his big brother to keep his family safe. "I better go in and help her pack. Thank you both for doing this." Steven hugged Jim quickly and then turned to Blair and did the same. 

 

They packed everything in the Suburban and got everyone settled.  Blair sat in the back with the kids and Bailey sat up front. After a long goodbye and a lot of kisses, they were finally off.

 

 

"Your imperfections are what make you beautiful."

Sandra Bullock

 

 

Bailey watched Jim drive for about an hour and saw the sadness in his eyes and on his face.  Finally, she could remain quiet no longer. "Jim, you are the most gentle person I've ever met.  I'm proud to call you my brother-in-law. You think you're weak, but you're not. You think you don't deserve Blair, but you do. You think no one could love you, but we all do. Basically, you're loved and wanted by all of us. Thank you for being here for my family."

 

Jim turned sadly and said, "I'll be fine, Bailey.  It's just going to take time."

 

"But you do know that you deserve to be happy, right?"

 

"Yes, I know.  I 'am' happy.  I'm in love and I found a new family. I couldn't want for much more." Jim answered.

 

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.

--Sandra Bullock, Hope Floats 

 

 

"Enough of the serious talk.  Jim, tell us about our new home." Blair said with a joking tone.

 

"It's a beautiful house.  It has a lovely back yard and like I said, five bedrooms.  So we shouldn't be crowded, should we?"

 

"We don't have furniture." Bailey realized aloud.

 

"Oh there's furniture.  I've been renting to a couple that spent little time there and they asked if I wanted the furniture when they moved out.  So, all of the rooms are furnished."

 

"Wow, way cool, man."

 

"He's so cute, Jim." Bailey snickered.

 

"That he is.  He's my life, my soul, my heart and my love. He's everything." Jim whispered.

 

"You're going to get so lucky tonight, big man." Blair teased. 

 

James asked, "You play cards? Cuz we play cards, don't we, Grace?"

 

"We sure do.  We love cards and we want to be lucky, too." Grace was bouncing in her seat.

 

Jim, Blair and Bailey all began to laugh like mad.  It was just what they needed. 

 

Jim filled Bailey in on what was going on at work for him and she filled Jim and Blair in on the kids and school.  The hour drive went so quickly, Jim felt like he missed something.

 

 

"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered."

-- Michael J. Fox

 

 

When they arrived at the house, Bailey hugged Jim and said, "I would like to come to some of your sessions with you.  I need to know how to handle both you and Steven.  Would you allow me too? I never want to hurt either of you. You're the bravest men I've ever met in my life."

 

Jim hugged her so hard she could barely breathe. "Thank you for that, Bailey."

 

"Hey, we need keys to get in, big man."

 

"Hold your water." Jim laughed and made his way to the front door. 

 

"I'm thirsty." Grace said sweetly.

 

"Maybe Uncle Jim will have some of that water he talks about. He's kind of nuts." Blair kidded.

 

Jim leaned into Blair's ear and whispered, "I'll show you my nuts later."

 

Blair burst out laughing and began to unload the SUV. He looked over at Jim and said, "I think we've got our new home.  I love this house."

 

"Good. It's yours then." Jim bent for a kiss and then moved more into the house.

 

"No, it's ours then."

 

On the first floor there were two bedrooms, formal dining room, living room, office, dinette area, kitchen and two bathrooms. The kitchen was a kitchen to die for. Upstairs there were three more bedrooms, two bathrooms and a den. The kitchen was winning hands down for the best room in the house.  Blair and Bailey had never seen a kitchen so large.

 

"Jim, can the kids and I take the upstairs rooms?"

 

"Sure can.  We'll take one of the two down here." Jim said. 

 

"I already picked ours, big man." Blair was so hyped he was bouncing. 

 

Jim ordered pizza and ran and got beer, soda and milk for the house. He also picked up some games and cards to keep the kids busy.  While they ate, they laughed, talked and just had fun. It was the way families were supposed to be.

 

Democritus, (460?-370? BC)

Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.

 

"Bailey, I never had a life like this, so it's wonderful to be with the three of you. You don't yell, you don't scream, you don't hit and you love each other."

 

"Uncle Jim, I don't always like Grace.  She's a pain." James said seriously. 

 

"Well, as long as you always love her, it's not a big deal.

 

"I always love James.  He's a nice brother." She hugged him hard and then said, "I want to go to bed."

 

Bailey got her children settled in the rooms upstairs for the time being. Then she found a room for her and Steven and helped the boys get settled.

 

"I'll show you another house tomorrow that's perfect for all of you.  You and Steven will love it.  It's about two blocks away.  Is that too close?" Jim asked.

 

"Not at all, Jim.  I like the idea of being close."

 

Blair came into the room and said, "Simon's on the phone for you." Blair handed the cell phone to him. Jim walked into the kitchen to talk, "Hey."

 

"Hey yourself. I have bad news."

 

"What?"

 

"Miles' sister filed a report with IA and they're going to re-open the investigation now. They think you might have planned it."

 

"Oh Jesus.  You promised me, Simon.  I can't go to prison.  I won't.  God..." Jim threw the phone across the room and went into the largest bedroom. 

 

Blair picked up the phone and said, "Simon? What happened?"

 

"I'll tell you when I get there. Go watch Jim.  He might try and eat a bullet."

 

Blair whispered, "Oh fuck..." Then he hung up and ran into the bedroom.  Jim was nowhere to be found.  He looked everywhere but the closet.  He opened the door and Jim was curled into a ball on the floor.

 

"Hey, big man.  Come with me.  I want to sleep in the bed. I can't sleep alone."

 

Jim did get up, but he instead walked out of the room.  Blair followed and watched, as Jim got ready to leave.  "Where are you going?"

 

"To see my dad.  I need him to help me.  If he finds me a good lawyer, I might be able to get out of this.  If not, I go to prison.  I can't do that, Blair.  You know that, right?"

 

"Right. Go see your dad and talk to him.  Don't lose your temper. Try and stay calm the entire time." Blair ordered.

 

"Okay.  I love you. I'll be back soon." Jim leaned down and kissed him and left quietly into the night. 

 

Blair informed Bailey of what was happening.  The two of them discussed all that was wrong and what they could do to help Jim. Then they all went to bed and Blair got ready to read a book.  He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he was going to keep his mind busy.

 

Blair heard Simon at the door and opened it.  He pointed to the living room and Simon gladly went.

 

Simon filled Blair in on what was said and both men began to pace.

 

"...Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

~ Frank Herbert 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Jim arrived at William Ellison's home, he was so nervous, he wanted to throw up. He took some deep breaths like Blair had taught him and walked to the front door.

 

William opened the door and growled, "What do you want here?"

 

"I need to talk to you."

 

"I don't want your kind in my house." William went to slam the door but Jim caught it and didn’t budge.

 

"Dad, I know what mom did to me and Steven. I know that's why she was sent away. You hate me because your wife was sick.  I understand that, but I have bigger problems."

 

"Jimmy, I didn't hate you. I was trying to make you tough for real life.  It's hard enough to make it when you're a man but I knew when you were young you were going to be gay. So I did the best I could. The army toughened you up. So I guess I was right."

 

"Dad, when I got to the army, two sergeants raped me every night for weeks. When I reported it, the Captain laughed, but at least he took them away. I was so afraid after that. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I missed you so much.  I know you didn't love me, Dad.  But I loved and missed you."

 

William hugged his son suddenly and whispered, "I do love you.  I just didn't know what I was doing."

 

"Why did you tell me Steven was dead?"

 

"Because I knew he was in Seattle and I didn't want you near your mother.  She's nuttier than a pecan pie."

 

"So you were trying to protect me?"

 

"Yes.  I know you won't believe it but I do love you. I just didn't know how to handle the molestation and your senses." William looked very old at that moment and Jim felt lost.

 

"Dad, did you read about me killing my partner?"

 

"Yes, I sure did.  I knew he was abusing you, you were always black and blue when I happened upon you."

 

"I never saw you, Dad."

 

"I'm ashamed of what I did.  So I watched from a distance. I truly am sorry, Jimmy."

 

"Dad, they might charge me with murder.  I was hoping you could find me a good lawyer. I can't go to prison.  I would die."

 

"We'll see Michael Jones in the morning. All right?  I want you to sleep here.  I would feel better."

 

"I have to call Blair."

 

"Who is Blair?"

 

"My lover. Does that change things?" Jim was on the defensive.

 

"Not at all.  Tell him you'll see him tomorrow. Things will be fine.  You know where your room is.  Goodnight, Jimmy."

 

"Night, Dad."

 

Jim called Blair and heard, "Sandburg."

 

"Hey, babe."

 

"You okay?"

 

"I'm better than okay.  My dad and I had a long talk and he's going to help me get a great lawyer. I'm going to spend the night.  I'll see you tomorrow after I talk to Mike Jones. I love you so much, Chief."

 

"Why did your dad tell you that Steven was dead?"

 

"He said he knew Steven was in Seattle and he didn't want me around our Mother.  It was bad enough she had her claws into Steven. And that's why he told them I was dead. He was lying only to protect me, Chief."

 

"That's still lying in my book. I just think he could have told you something less hurtful."

 

"I'm really tired.  I'm going to bed.  I'll see you tomorrow." Jim almost whispered.

 

"Jim, I might go back to work tomorrow.  You'll be busy most of the day and I'll see you when I get off."

 

"Are you mad?" Jim asked sounding scared. 

 

"Simon's here and I just miss work. I want to be doing something."

 

"You could come over here, I think."

 

Behaving as if he were six, Blair said, "Go ask your dad first."

 

"I'll be right back." Jim took off up the stairs and knocked on his dad's door.

 

"Come in, Jimmy."

 

"Dad, can Blair come sleep with me? I'm still suffering from nightmares.  He helps."

 

"That's fine, Jimmy."

 

"Thanks, Dad."

 

He rushed down the stairs and panted, "He said that was fine. Here is his address." Jim told him how to get there and to hurry up.

 

Blair explained what was happening as he saw Simon to his car.

 

"Good luck, Sandburg.  Tell Jim we're pulling for him." Simon rubbed the top of Blair's head and Blair found that one of the sweetest things that Simon had ever done.

 

"I will.  See you later." Blair rushed to his car and was off like a speeding bullet.  Simon shook his head and smiled. 

 

When Jim heard Blair pull up he opened the door to meet him.

 

"Hey." Blair said quietly.

 

"Hey back. God, I miss you when you're not around."

 

"Jim, that sounded sort of dumb.  Let's get to bed before it gets worse."

 

"Very funny.  Come on. Stop picking on the scared guy."

 

"I'm here for you, Jim. Always."

 

They walked hand in hand up the stairs and William was standing there waiting.

 

He put his hand out and said, "I'm William, and you must be Blair."

 

"It's nice to finally meet you, William. I hope you don't mind that I'm here." Blair wanted to give him a chance to change his mind.

 

"It's fine. Goodnight, boys." William walked back to his bedroom.

 

 

Yep. You're your father's son.

Yar 

 

 

Jim led the way into his old room and they got ready for bed.  Jim really didn't want sex in his dad's house so he asked, "Can we just hold each other tonight?"

 

"That sounds perfect, man. You look like your dad, ya know?"

 

"I don't see it."

 

"You act a little like him too."

 

"Surely you're joking."

 

"No, I'm not joking and stop calling me Shirley." Blair teased.

 

"Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?" Jim pulled him close and they were off.  Before long both men were naked and needing each other.

 

"Jim, we don't have supplies, so we'll have to settle for rubbing our cocks together until they become one. Then we can say we're Siamese Penis Twins."

 

Jim pushed him over, laughing quietly as he lay on top of him. "The thrusting shall begin." The large man whispered. Each time he pushed his cock a little harder as he felt Blair pushing up to meet him.

 

"That's good, babe.  That's very good.  Keep fucking me like this. Oh I love it." Blair was on the verge of yelling, but continued to whisper. 

 

Jim quickly kissed him and began to push and lift away from Blair's body.  He would glance down now and then and see his cock and Blair's cock, both so smooth, so slick and feeling so good, making him even harder.

 

"Jim, say something to me."

 

Jim whispered, "You feel so good, Chief.  I love you so much. Oh god, babe. I'm so close.  I'm so close. Jesus, are you close?"

 

"Why are you calling me god and Jesus?  It's Chief or Blair. And I'm ready. Right. Now..." Blair let out a small moan and shot his load all over he and Jim both. Jim followed right after him.

 

Once they cleaned up, they lay in each other's arms and fell asleep quickly. 

 

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good. 

Bai Ling

 

In the morning, Blair woke up to Jim smiling down at him.  "You're beautiful." Jim said softly. 

 

"Yeah, right.  With my bed head, morning beard and bad breath." Blair was giggling as Jim tickled his sides softly. 

 

"Chief, I have to leave.  My dad and I are going to see Mike.  So I'll be back later.  Do you want to stay here, or go home?"

 

"Man, I love the sound of that.  Home... I'll be waiting for you at our home.  Tell your dad I'll lock up for him when I leave." Blair kissed Jim quickly and pushed him away. "Good luck, babe."

 

Jim left Blair with a heavy heart. He really wanted Blair to go with him, but felt like it might be better this way.

 

Once Blair had showered and dressed, he locked up and drove home.  Man, he loved the sound of that.

 

My heart to you is given:

Oh, do give yours to me;

We'll lock them up together,

And throw away the key.

~ by Frederick Saunders ~

 

 

As he walked through the door, Steven greeted him. "Is it true?  He talked to Dad?"

 

"Yes. And they're at the lawyer now.  So he can tell you about that when he gets home. Hi, kids, did you sleep well?"

 

"Uncle Blair, I love this house." Grace said as she hugged him. 

 

"I love it too.  Uncle Jim says your new house is just as nice." Blair hated to let go of her.  It was so comforting to feel a child's arms around you.

 

"Do you know where our new house is, Uncle Blair?" James asked.

 

"No, he's going to show us tonight, I think."

 

"Blair, why did he go and see dad?  Dad treated us like shit and lied to us. Not to mention he used to beat the shit out of Jimmy. What is he doing?"

 

"Your father had his reasons.  He just didn't handle it well.  Jim will talk to you when he gets home." Blair started walking towards the kitchen and found Steven following behind him.  "Steven, I don't know anything.  Just wait for Jim." Blair was getting pissed off.

 

The kids talked Blair into going to the park and he found out you're never too old for swings.

 

"Uncle Blair, how much do we have to pay you if you swing higher than us." Grace asked.

 

"$100 Dollars."

 

"Man, we don't have that much." James was way too serious for Blair.

 

"James, I'm joking.  I don't have $100 bucks, either." Blair assured him.

 

They all began to swing and enjoyed the wind going through their hair. 

 

"Are you glad that you moved, or are you going to miss your school and friends?" Blair asked. 

 

"I'm glad." Grace answered, sweetly. "I love you and Uncle Jim."

 

"Thank you honey.  We love you too."

 

"I don't mind a move.  My dad says it's for a good reason.  Do you know the reason yet, Uncle Blair?" James asked softly in a very worried voice. 

 

"No, I don't know the reasons yet, James.  But dad and mom will tell you as soon as they can."

 

The swinging continued and Blair couldn't remember ever having this much fun, other than in bed with Jim.  

 

When they got back to the house, Jim was there with his dad. Steven was giving dirty looks to William and Blair just knew this was going to get ugly.

 

"Bailey, this is our father, William." Jim introduced them both.

 

"I'm glad to meet you, Bailey. I hope to spend some time with you and your children now and then."

 

"So what do you have to say for yourself, old man?" Steven shouted. "Why would you want to spend time with our children?"

 

"Steven, let him explain and don't raise your voice to him again. He's still our dad."

 

"Steven, there could never be a good enough excuse.  I was so sad when I had to make your mom leave for touching you boys, that I took it out on both of you. I'm so sorry.  Then when she contacted me about seeing both of you, I had to do something. I'm sorry, I was so wrong." William just let his head hang down.

 

"William, I think we all could use some therapy, what do you

think?" Blair asked.

 

"I don't think my sons could ever forgive me and I don't expect them too. I do apologize to both of you again. I'll talk to you later on, Jimmy."

 

"Dad, stay." Jim ordered. 

 

"Fine, I'll leave then." Steven got ready to leave and Jim stopped him.

 

"Listen to him.  He screwed up, but he knew what mom was doing to us and he wanted to save us. He tried to keep both of us away from her without telling us why. Please stay and talk to him while I talk to Blair."

 

"Fine." Steven walked in and sat at the kitchen table. Bailey sat back and watched in fascination. She wouldn't ever have dreamed that Steven would talk to William.

 

Blair walked into their bedroom and waited for Jim. He came walking in and smiled.  "Mike Jones is a genius. He called IA and said he had all of the paperwork from the hospital that had been sent to IA showing all of the abuse.  They ignored it and let it slide, so he told IA that we were going to sue the city for 5 million dollars."

 

"No shit?  You mean I could be married to a rich man?" Blair teased. 

 

"Not even.  I don't want their money.  But they faxed the paperwork to Mike and it's all settled. I don't have to worry about a thing. I have to confess something. I was really terrified, Chief."

 

"Man, I was too." Blair kissed him and then hugged him close. 

 

"Let's go out and tell Steven, Bailey and the kids.  Then I'm going to show them the house I think would be perfect for them."

 

"How could you afford all of this property?"

 

"Don't be mad, okay?"

 

"Why would I be mad?" Blair answered.

 

"Because I didn't share the info with you in the first place. When I was in the Army, someone in that Captain's office heard what happened and they filed papers for me, and talked me into going through with it.  I settled out of court, so I wouldn't have to let anyone else hear about it and I have plenty of money. I figured you would have wanted me to fight them."

 

"You have to choose your battles wisely. You wouldn't have won that one. The government is hard to fight, but then, why did you have to go to your father?"

 

"I needed the best lawyer and I knew he would know one."

 

"I'm very proud of you, Jim."

 

"Thanks, Chief.  Now let's join the fam."

 

They walked out and Bailey said, "He's walking in the backyard with your dad.  He let William hug him."

 

"Good. They both needed that." Jim smiled.

 

"Who would have figured that William is the better parent after all of these years?" Bailey said more to herself than anyone. 

 

"He's trying to change, and I think he might succeed.  Look at him with the grandkids." Jim smiled.

 

"I'm very happy for all of you." Blair looked in awe at the picture before him.  "Jim, he does love being with them. Why didn't he do this with you boys?"

 

"Got me, Chief."

 

Blair hugged his Sentinel and practically became one with him. "I love you so much."

 

"I'm glad.  You make me feel like dancing; I'm going dance the night away...  I hope we're always together." Jim answered singing and dancing with Blair. 

 

"You're so friggin' sweet."

 

"Don't spread that around at the station."

 

"I promise.  I'll just tell Conner and she can tell everyone.  Okay?" Blair giggled and ran from Jim's grip.

 

 

Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, time is eternity.

~Henry Van Dyke~

 

 

Bailey watched the two men and knew they were special, they were in love and she was proud to be in this family. She also wondered when they would get hit by Hurricane Grace. Things were going too smoothly and she knew Grace would try and tear this family apart.  They had to be ready.

 

Blair walked back in the room and hugged Bailey.  "We're not going to let anyone hurt our family, are we?"

 

"No, we sure aren't. Go and be with Jim.  He looks lonely over there." Bailey pushed him away. 

 

Jim wandered over and said, "Anyone see my sister-in-law?  She used to smile all the time and give great hugs."

 

She laughed and hugged him very tight. "Jim, your mom will try and ruin this.  We have to remain calm at all times and strong at all times.  Got it?"

 

"Got it. Now I have two Chief's bossing me around." This time it was Jim that took off running.  He headed outside to visit with Steven and their dad.

 

Jim wasn't a fool, he understood he was going to have some trouble with his mom but he also knew that he had Blair in his corner. Sandburg was not only in his corner, but he was in the arena.  This would help Jim deal on a daily basis. 

 

Two Months Later:

 

Jim was walking down the hall, on his way to the break room, when he heard two cops talking about him.

 

"Do you believe he had the nerve to show up and work?  It's embarrassing. Everyone knows that Sandburg is fucking his ass now, too. He's sick and Simon Banks should have called him out on it." Masters said angrily.

 

"I agree.  He's used garbage and he's going to take us all down. Someone at the 18th Precinct called and asked me about him. I had to start at the beginning and tell them the entire story. They were disgusted too." Penter said.

 

Jim stood in the doorway and asked, "So what bothers you more?  That I'm working here or that someone is fucking my ass?"

 

"Fuck off, Ellison.  You don't scare us at all." Penter shouted.

 

Now there were about seven people in the break room.

 

"So, who else wants me to leave the station?" Jim looked around and only saw one hand.

 

"Give me some good reasons and I might consider it."

 

"You're a fucking slut, Ellison. You were Carson's slut and now you're Sandburg's." This voice Jim didn't recognize. 

 

Simon walked in and said, "Is there a party and someone forgot to invite me? What's going on in here?"

 

"Nothing, sir." Masters grabbed his things and left the room. 

 

Jim whispered as he went by, "Chicken shit..."

 

Masters punched him and Jim started hitting him back.  It took four people to get him off of Masters.

 

"Masters, in my office.  You too, Ellison." Simon bellowed.

 

Both men walked in, glaring at each other.  Simon knew this might get ugly.

 

"Jim, why were you fighting?  I want the truth."

 

"He doesn't want my kind in the department, sir." Jim was standing at attention and it almost made Simon laugh.  Keyword being almost. 

 

"I'm reporting it to IA.  There will be an investigation.  Both of you, get the fuck out of here."

 

Masters went first and was attacked by one very angry Guide.  "Get off me, you fag."

 

"Don't talk to him like that.  He's done nothing to you." Jim said quietly. 

 

"Ewww. Jim, I would never want to do anything to him."

 

"These are the sort of remarks that drag you both down. Everyone knows that you look at us with want and desire."

 

Jim and Blair looked at each other and burst out laughing. They could hardly breathe as they sat down at their desks.

 

"Thank, Masters.  I needed something to brighten up my day."

 

Masters glared at both of them and was on his way.  Jim's phone rang and he answered differently for a change, "What do you want?"

 

"Detective Ellison? This is Captain Bar from IA.  We need to question you now."

 

"Yes, sir.  I'll be right up." Jim got up and didn't say a word to Blair.  Blair already knew where he was probably going.

 

Jim was questioned about all of the events that led up to this one and he was talked to about not reporting it. Then they told him he was free to go, but so was Masters.

Jim knew this was part of life but he still hated it.

 

When he got downstairs he knocked on Simon's door.  "They dropped everything for both of us.  Masters is free to go. Next time, don't bother. I need to go home.  My head is about to explode."

 

"Go ahead.  Take a couple of days, Jim."

 

"Thanks. Can Sandburg stay here?"

 

"No. Now get your partner and go home." Simon shoved him out the door.

 

"We get to go home, Chief." Jim said in a whisper.

 

"Give me your keys.  I'll drive." Blair knew it was bad when his Sentinel handed them over so easily. 

 

"Want to talk?"

 

"Nope."

 

Blair looked over and saw a very sad man on the verge of breaking.  Jim had yet to show any type of weakness since all of this happened.  That bothered Blair.

 

Tears release the pain from the body and soul.

Let them fall; someone might be there to catch them.

Blair, thinking about Jim Ellison.

 

When they arrived home, Jim couldn't get into the shower fast enough. Blair let the big man think his Guide was going to leave him alone, but he should have known

better.

 

Your fears are mine.

Your tears are mine.

Your smile is mine.

Your love is mine.

Your heart is mine.

Forever.

THE GUIDE 

 

The Guide slipped out of his clothing and walked naked, into the shower.  Jim turned and said, "Not now."

 

Blair didn't listen.  He put his arms around him and held on for dear life.

 

"Chief, they hate us so much.  I don't understand. We would do anything for them and yet, I could see them letting us take a bullet and do nothing about it."

 

"I could, too."

 

"I want to leave.  I don't want anything to happen to you."

 

"Jim, how about we have a vote at the station.  No one will know who voted for what.  They can let us know how many are behind us." Blair smiled at his mate. 

 

"No, I'll just ask."

 

"Jim, you can't ask everyone in the station."

 

"I can try."

 

"All right.  Do you want to leave?"

 

"Yes."

 

"What should we do?" Blair was getting scared. 

 

"I don't have a clue. Maybe we could be motivational speakers for gay rights and sexual abuse victims. What do you think about that?"

 

"Jim, we need to do something for a living."

 

"First of all, I have a lot of money.  We don't have to worry.  Secondly, you could get paid at colleges and high schools to speak. What do you think of that?"

 

"That would be all right.  I would miss being a cop." Blair said sadly. “You know how I love the roller coaster, man.”

 

"I would miss it too.  I feel like I've been doing it all my life."

 

"Then, let's just give it a few more months.  Please?"

 

"Okay."

 

"Jim, will you make love to me?"

 

"Oh, the things you force me to do." The two of them walked hand in hand to the bedroom for a very quiet and slow love making session. 

 

 

Quiet passion

Loving glances

Naked

Inside and out

Arms that embrace

Tender smiles

Love

Eternity

 

Jim and Blair

 

 

 

Jim woke up hours later, alone.  He hated being alone.  Blair Sandburg had spoiled him for life.

 

He glanced through the house and finally heard him on the back patio, singing.  The song was as sad as Blair was. Jim could hear it in his voice. 

 

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

 

Jim sat down next to Blair and held him tight.  "I'm sorry, Chief.  I never meant to drag you down to this level.  I'll do whatever you say."

 

"Jim, it's both of us.  It's an awful day when you realize people can't accept you because you're gay.  It's not like we were coming on to them. They're so hateful and I just can't understand any of it."

 

"It'll get better, Chief."

 

"You just wanted to quit the force a little bit ago. What's different now?" Blair asked. 

 

"They can't win.  We cannot let them believe that they have won."

 

"I can live with that.  I love you." He leaned in to kiss his sweet Sentinel and before long they were back in their room.

 

"Blair, I want us to be like this forever?"

 

"Naked and hard?"

 

Jim smacked Blair's butt and laughed.  "No, happy."

 

"Done."

 

"Done?"

 

"Your wish is my command." Blair giggled all the way onto the bed. 

 

 

Happiness-does it get any better than this?

Of course it does-that's why it's called Happiness.

Blair, to Jim Ellison

 

 

In the following months, they spent many weekends with William, Steven, Bailey and the kids.  Life was indeed good. Jim often wondered if he should pinch himself to see if he was actually living this life.

 

Blair kissed Jim one morning and said, "I have to go, hot stuff.  I'll see you tonight."

 

"Okay.  Be safe." Jim wished he was going to.

 

"Jim, I'll be in court.  How dangerous do you think that will be?"

 

"There's that." A smiling Jim stood wanting to say something but didn't know how.

 

 

Do you see me?

Do you hear me?

Do you want me?

Do you need me?

I am yours.

I am in love.

Please hear me?

Please see me?

Please want me?

Please need me?

I belong to you.

Forever.

Jim Ellison, to Blair Sandburg

 

 

Jim grabbed Blair and said, "One more for the road, Chief.  I'm so in love with you."

 

What could Blair do?  He had to follow his Sentinel.  It was a quickie, but even quickie's with Jim were good.

 

"Gotta go, hot shot.  See you tonight.  Be well. I love you."

 

"I love you, back." Jim smiled at his lover's retreating form. 

 

Blair hadn't been gone ten minutes and the doorbell rang.  Jim, wearing only blue jeans and no shirt, opened it and said, "Do I know you?" He couldn't help but notice the paper bag the man was carrying.

 

"Not really, Detective.  I'm Detective Davidson, everyone just calls me Dave.  I'm from the 18th Precinct."

 

"Come on in. I take it something is wrong?" Jim didn't even know why he was nervous.

 

"Ms. Carson has been in contact with me.  She wants you ruined or dead.  She decided to try the ruined part first. Carson sent her tapes of him abusing you for years.  So she brought a really rough one to me and said if I don't get you out of the

station, she'll put it in a sleazy filmmaker's hands."

 

Jim went ghost white and whispered, "Is it me?"

 

"Yes.  I watched so you wouldn't have to. He was such a fucking slime ball.  I hated him so much and I wished I could have killed him for you." Davidson was very distressed.

 

"I guess I have to resign."

 

"Bullshit.  I want you to hit me hard enough to bruise me. Then I'm going to tell her you were abusive and I'll offer to kill you."

 

"No. She's too much like Miles. She knows what she's doing. She knows I would never hurt you or anyone else. I can't do this anymore." Jim left him in the living room and went outside. 

 

Davidson followed him and said, "Jim, he deserved to die. I would have killed him too.  I'm lucky, I have a lover a lot like Sandburg; kind and precious. We can't waste that."

 

"You're gay?"

 

"Yes. Mrs. Carson doesn't know.  I was the only one at the station that day. My I'm gay tee shirt was dirty on Tuesday."

 

Jim laughed and said, "I'm going to call and report it to Captain Banks then." Jim pulled his cell out and dialed with shaking fingers. 

 

"Banks..."

 

"I have a cop from the 18th here. He's a delivery man for Miles' sister. His name is Detective Davidson and he said the tape is real."

 

Jim, what's this cops first name?

 

"He needs your first name." Jim told him.

 

"Harley."

 

Jim stepped back and said, "Harley? I don't think so."

 

Jim, it is Harley. That's his name. I had to be sure it was that Davidson."

 

"Sorry, Captain Banks just told me you were right."

 

"It's okay. Ask him what I should do."

 

"Simon, he wants to know what to do."

 

Put him on the phone and I don't want you to listen.

 

"He wants to talk to you." Jim handed the phone over to Davidson.

 

"Yes, sir?"

 

Can I call you Harley?

 

"Yes, sir."

 

Banks is good enough.  Now tell me, is this tape horrible?

 

"Yes..."

 

Would you want anyone to see it if it was you?

 

"No... I would rather die, Banks."

 

Shit... I don't know what I should do yet. Simon was at a loss.

 

"I suggested that I offer to kill him and she could pay me a lot of money."

 

That might work.

 

"Ellison said no."

 

Then we won't tell him, will we? I want you to bring the tape to me and we'll make the arrangements to have you brought over here until this is done.

 

"Sounds good, sir.  I'll see you in a few moments." Davidson handed Jim the phone back and said, "I'm off to see your boss."

 

"It won't work, Davidson.  She's as smart as Miles was.  She won't get caught."

 

"We have to try something. Ellison, don't just lie there taking it. Stand up for yourself."

 

Jim turned, throwing the phone on the floor and walked into the house directly into his room, slamming the door behind him. 

 

Davidson sighed and walked out the front door. He hoped Ellison was wrong.

 

Across town, William Ellison was making himself something to eat when there was a knock at the door. Opening it, he found a woman standing there, holding a box. 

 

"May I help you?"

 

"Yes, I have some tapes of Miles and Jimmy.  I thought I would give you the first chance to buy them."

 

"Come in." William was pissed but he also knew he didn't want his son's life damaged any more that it had been.

 

"May I sit?"

 

"I could care less.  What do you want?"

 

"I want you to watch the tamest of the tapes and decide if you're willing to spend most of your fortune on them." She slipped a tape into the VCR and turned on the television. William never had a clue as to how bad it was for his son until now.  This man was Satan. And William felt as if he was Satan's collaborator. 

 

Each moment he watched the tape, he grew colder and colder.  He could not understand how anyone could try and destroy his son.  A kinder man than Jimmy, you wouldn't find anywhere.

 

The demon was brutalizing Jim over and over again and William could take no more. 

 

"Oh my god." William whispered.  He couldn't believe how badly this man continued to beat his son.  And if that wasn't enough, he then raped him. William sat down with his face in his hands and sobbed silently.  No father should have to witness something like that.

 

"Did you notice how quiet he was?  He doesn't scream.  He doesn't beg. He loved it.  He was indeed Miles' slut."

 

William got up and said, "How much?"

 

"Four million should do it."

 

William left the room and came back with his checkbook. He continued to pretend he was writing a check and slowly pulled out a gun and shot her in the head.  Without much thinking on his part, he got up and put all of the tapes in a bin outside

and set them on fire. He almost forgot about the one in the VCR. Grabbing that, he added it to the fire.